Funny Retirement Quotes

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.

THAT is a funny retirement quote with just a hint of the truth in it... Who wrote that? Anonymous...

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

... and never need one either!

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! - Author Unknown

Retirement: World's longest coffee break. - Author Unknown

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. - Author Unknown

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

... Can't resist... big grin here!

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Author Unknown

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I"m home - forever." - Gene Perret

A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life. -- Larry Laser

He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement. - Unknown wise person

What do gardeners do when they retire? - Bob Monkhouse

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle

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Retirement Phrases from Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President