Funny Retirement Quotes

By Wendy Fisher, Retirement-Online.com

Need some funny retirement quotes for a retirement party speech, a homemade retirement card, retirement posters or banners, or even on the cake? You've come to the right place!

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does. - Anonymous

THAT is a funny retirement quote with just a hint of the truth in it... Who wrote that? Anonymous...

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

... and never need one either!

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! - Author Unknown

Retirement: World's longest coffee break. - Author Unknown

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. - Author Unknown

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

... Can't resist... big grin here!

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Author Unknown

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! - Author Unknown

Retirement: World's longest coffee break. - Author Unknown

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I"m home - forever." - Gene Perret

A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life. -- Larry Laser

He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement. - Unknown wise person

What do gardeners do when they retire? - Bob Monkhouse

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle

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Retirement Phrases from Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President

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