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Good Life, but just not happy.. WHY?

by carol
(pennsylvania)

I'm falling into depression before I retire but I want to...

I'm 68, lost my abusive husband to alzheimer's. My younger sister and I had to take care of our sick mother since we were teenages, after our father bolted. She died 30 years ago.

I'm realized my college dream including a Master's in my 40s even though my husband threatened to harm the kids if I went to class. I could not afford to leave him as I didn't have a decent paying job. The part time job I had and scholarships paid for my education. Then I got a decent job and he got alzheimers, became psychotic and a locked ward was his home until he died.

My kids are married, live nearby, hear from two of them many times during the week, my son calls occasionally expecting me to call if I need help in anyway.

My girls include me in many events, besides babysitting for them.

So why do I feel so down on myself. It's like I can't enjoy happiness.

I enjoy my 5 grandkids (ages 1-7) they are at that age where Grandmom is wonderful and perfect. No bills, house paid for. So why can't I enjoy life and be happy.

I took my work week done to 4 days a week and have health benefits. I know the boss would like me to retire. I have resisted this for two years, becase I needed money to fix up my old house and get all the bills paid off, which I did. I belong to a great health club, go occasionally.

why do I feel miserable? I have a nice house to retire in, live in a town I like, love my kids and grandkids. have decent health, a car, a health club, a dog, a cat, 2 fish, talk by phone everyday to my sister and visit her once a year. don't have a huge retirement amount but will get by.


so why do I feel blue most of the time? Has anyone else dealt with the blues, and anxiety when they should be happy?

Wendy: Carol, It certainly sounds like you've got your retirement under control and should be able to life a happier lifestyle.

Who knows the workings of the mind? Not me certainly.

Some folks have a harder time than others retiring.. so boss or not, if you aren't ready,
you aren't ready. You'll know when you are...

One thing -- if you don't know what you'll do every day after you retire, it's a good idea to consider that before you do. If not, being a bit down already, retirement could really send you into a tailspin.

I wonder what your occupation is, must be something you love since you went to college late and got your degree at 40! Is there some way to use that after you retire? Some way to stay active in your field, and yet, not have to work every day? Could you be a consultant after you retire? Write a book or website? Volunteer somewhere where they need your expertise?

In today's economy, so many organizations would be thrilled to get an educated volunteer.. you feel good getting out and helping, they get someone who loves their volunteer job.

How about a new hobby that would take you into retirement? Something you did years ago? Something that you could meet new friends and share with same?

Many opportunities and adventure await you~!!!

Comments for
Good Life, but just not happy.. WHY?

Click here to add your own comments

Pursuit of Happyness
by: Goldy

It sounds like you are on the right track. A different perspective can change totally change a life. You've come a long was and now it's your turn to enjoy YOUR LIFE...your way!

I wish you the best...God Bless You

Good Life, but just not happy ..Why?
by: carol

Thank you for all the suggestions, comments and thoughts. I have taken all seriously and have tried to think them through.

I never thought retiring would be so hard mentally. I am trying to give myself permission to move forward.

I cannot undo the abuse, the allowing myself to be unhappy, the not speaking out when I should have. Wendy you asked about my college - My degree is,M.A. Literature, BA English. I work in a graduate library, Head of Circulation, for a major university.

Throughout my life I have participated in volunteer work including the rewarding work of teaching a lady how to read English so she could read to her grandson. She worked hard and in two years read at the 5th grade level. She was then already retired!

I live in a town that has interesting small shops, is walkable from my home, membership in a super gym/spa/water pools, belong to a guild for embroiders, a loving family, some very lovely penpals from this website, etc.

Yesterday from this website I went to the Oprah life classes and truly made myself work some of the classes. Something there spoke to me - about me, how I was living mentally in the past, -- All the wonderful people who wrote to me in response to my posting, their comments became my Ah Ha moment as I worked the Lifeclass questions.

Thank you All. I now feel ready to retire, have 20 more actual working days and I am looking forward to enjoying the next chapters of my life.

Wendy Carol, I am sooo thrilled for you. Retirement IS harder than anyone imagines... until you've "been there", you just don't get it.

I love Oprah Life Classes too. Added the link in case other readers want to check them out!

I wish you many happy and fulfilled days ahead, Carol!!

Friends
by: Anonymous

The one thing I noticed was no mention of friends, I also suffer from feeling low mainly due to having no friends, where I live is a very small town and no real chance of having a close friend, one to sit with, laugh, cry what ever, maybe you need someone special as well, helps lift your mood, write to me if you wish, would love to have someone.

Retired but not yet lovin' it!
by: MzEda

Hi Carol~ My retirement was unexpected. I adored my job of 20 years then the recession it. I identified with my work.

Then my parents passed on within five months of each other and I lost my home to foreclosure. I moved into a teeny tiny retirement apartment. My only child lives in Hawaii. I have a 21 year old dog.

But you know what, I am learning to enjoy the fact that I no longer need an alarm clock, nor do I care what day of the week it is. I have a community garden plot and love digging around in the dig and growing veggies. I enjoy talking to other gardeners. I force myself to take part in free community activities and walk around my neighborhood every day.

I have a very limited income but am taking much pleasure in the simple things. I also have a very strong faith and that has helped me a lot. I try to stay busy and active. I prepare nutritious meals for myself.

I consider myself blessed and pray that someday I will be able to say that I LOVE my retirement.

Wendy: I LOVE posts like this... low income but life is ok! I love that you keep busy, that is just SO important to keeping yourself happy!

It's not easy to retire, especially when it wasn't a voluntary retirement... just keep on moving forward, give yourself time, it sounds like you are a survivor -- and you will figure it all out!

Sending prayers your way!

Unhappiness
by: Anonymous

Depression is sometimes a matter of brain biochemistry. Perhaps that is your problem.

Unhappiness
by: Linda in IA

Carol, if you would like to talk more, you can email me at live dot com, mcschuler --

I understand the types of feelings and thoughts that you are dealing with now that retirement age is here (and so much of your life has changed outside of work).

I've had experiences similar to yours, and with more than one man/person. In the 1970s, I helped some university women set up the first women's abuse shelter in our county. The idea for the shelter was only because I shared my fears and stories with them. They insisted we take my stories to the Gov/IA.

Upon reflection I realize that the first male (husband) abuser was not my first abuser and not my last. It started as soon as I was born, just different stories/ways/styles of abuse. I am sure that is how I ended up marrying an abusive man--because I was used to it and drifted toward it.

I always knew that I was/am a wonderful person and none of it was my fault, and yet I did not live a better life because of that knowledge after the first abuser was gone, but slowly dipped lower over the years.

It is a form of learned helplessness, which is not easy to break free of.

You and I were living a Life RollerCoaster Ride, and without those major highs and lows, the calmer, more stable, medium range leaves us feeling dull.

Think this way: unfortunately we don't have those exciting highs of the past, but in exchange, we no longer have those hideous, frightening lows, either.

We have become addicted to the excitement, and it takes time and great effort to feel happy in the middle more even course. Another way is to replace the negative excitement of the past with a positive excitement. You have to figure out what that would be for you.

If you wish to talk with me about what happened to you and how your life was and now is (good and bad), I will gladly tell you some of my stuff so that you can feel less alone in this, and perhaps we will each learn more and grow healthier.

You must learn to love yourself in a true way, renew your love for yourself, or increase your awareness of who you are, not who you were during those awful times. [I am still working on me.]

Linda-- dot com, live, mcschuler

Wendy: Linda, I love this thought. "Think this way: unfortunately we don't have those exciting highs of the past, but in exchange, we no longer have those hideous, frightening lows, either. "

So true! I hope your words help MANY retirees!

Thank you!

"Good deeds" are the medicines that you need ....
by: Anonymous

Dear Ms Carol,

I once wrote on this site the story of a King in ancient India who was in deep grief after his 100 sons were burned to ash because of the curse of a sage. He was unable to come out of his grief.

He sought the advice of his Guru (spiritual teacher) who advised him to devote his life to doing good for others. From that day onward, the king immersed himself into a life of doing good deeds for others. Soon enough he forgot his grief.

The sage who had put the curse on the King's sons heard about the King's good work. He lifted the curse and the King's 100 sons rose from the ashes and regained life. The King was happy again. He continued to do good deeds all his life and achieved Moksha - the deliverance of the soul from the worldly cycle of births and deaths.

Retd. Prof. Mr. Durgesh Kumar Srivastava,
New Delhi, India, 31st Aug, 2011


My two cents worth
by: Anonymous

What I think is you need a good man now since you had an abusive one.

Good LIfe, but just not happy...why?
by: Melva Colburn

Carol, I too had an abusive relationship and it took me several years after I left to realize it's ok to be happy.

You may have done what I did and taught yourself to not be happy and to not expect to be happy because of your situation.

My suggestion is to seek a counselor, find someone you feel comfortable with and discuss these feelings. When you're ready to retire, you'll know it and you'll have all your "ducks in a row" and be ready for it.

I suspect there's still a little "healing" needed before you embark on your new phase of life. I wish you much luck and happiness!


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