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Humorous Retirement Roast or Retirement Toast

This is another humorous retirement roast for your use. You are welcome to use any or all of it at the retirement party you are finding the retirement toast for!

We are here today to honor *Retiree name*, who told me before coming out to the podium that he’s worried nobody will remember him when he’s gone.

With that I told him, “I can think of several reasons why you will be remembered – you won’t like any of them, but you’ll be remembered!”

When *Retiree name* first came to us we heard that he was good at everything he does. Unfortunately after being hired, we learned that he doesn’t do anything.

Another reason he was hired was for his photographic memory. Sadly we learned, after the fact, that there’s no film in it.

As we all know, the point of most retirement roasts is to honor the person while somewhat jesting about his or her accomplishments. *Retiree name* is a guy who always speaks his mind… which explains the long silences.

Look at him -- *Retiree name* -- he may not look like much, but we have learned over time that he shows up many of the great thinkers of our age. Okay, so maybe I exaggerate – but you must admit, he has disproved Darwin’s theory of evolution.

*Retiree name* came to us with nothing…. And as has been evidenced by his past history, still has most of it left.

What more can I say about *Retiree name*? He constantly surprises me with his knowledge of the world. Why just last week I wanted to take him to lunch at Taco Bell and he said, "Oh I thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company."

So what will retirement mean to *Retiree name*?

As he looks back over the years, *Retiree name* will enter into yet another phase of his life doing nothing, trying to remember what it is he has done, possibly thinking about that which he hasn’t done and wondering what it is that life has taught him.

My guess is that after he retires, we may find him in later years sitting in a cantina somewhere in Mexico trying to use an enchilada to call home while desperately wondering how he got there in the first place.

So, rather than me stand up here and tell you all I know about this individual, before we go much further, allow me to introduce several people in the audience who admire and revere *Retiree name*. But wait……………….
(Pause)

I jest, there apparently appears to be no one like that in the audience, so, I’ll introduce him.

I hope you enjoyed this retirement roast and can use some of it in your own retirement toast!!