Retirement Jokes & Quotes

By Wendy Fisher, Retirement-Online.com

   This page is FULL of Retirement Jokes & Quotes. 

I hope you'll use these Retirement Jokes (and Quotes), which I've collected for you, for retirement cards, retirement speeches, retirement parties, and a whole lot more!

Many of the quotes here are from REAL retirees who have shared their thoughts on the pages of my website - retirement online.

Instead of the same celebrity quotes shown on other sites, this site has the best of both -- celebrities and real folks just like you! 

Lots more page links at the bottom of this page:
jokes, inspirational and funny quotes, poetry, etc!

Use them in the Work Place:

  • Retirement Flyers/Invitations: Cut and paste different quotes (pick ones that are appropriate to the new retiree. Use funny quotes to make the flyer more humorous, or something that sounds SO MUCH like the new retiree!

  • In the new retirees office or work place, post retirement quotes on yellow post-it notes.... just inspirational retirement quotes to motivate the mind towards new retirement ideas and goals! Make it positive! Make it FUNNY too!

    Use them in the Home:

  • If you ARE the new retiree, print out Retirement Quotes to help you through the transition. Pick retirement quotes that are just perfect for your retirement situation. Select a quote that just SINGS to you!

  • Hang yellow post-it notes everywhere.... inspirational retirement quotes to motivate the mind towards new retirement ideas and goals! Put them on your Frig, your mirror, your car, anywhere you look to simply gear your brain towards new positive retirement fun!

    Oodles of Retirement Quotes and Jokes...
    many more pages of quotes at the bottom!

    Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns

    Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. - Malcolm S. Forbes

    Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers

    Life begins at retirement. - Author Unknown

    There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter Drucker

    Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

    The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

    ... and you never need another day off either! grin!

    When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

    When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

    Retired is being twice tired, I've thought -- First tired of working, Then tired of not. - Richard Armour 

    THAT retirement quote scares me.. you got to keep busy!   

    Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

    I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! - Author Unknown

    Retirement: World's longest coffee break. - Author Unknown

    Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Author Unknown

    The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money. - Author Unknown

    Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

    When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. - Author Unknown 

    Check out some retirees two cents on their: Top Ten Reasons to Retire.

    Great Lesson for LIFE: Take time to smell the roses in those busy working days (does good to your psychological mind), and yet when retired, don't turn into a body in a rocking chair! Good One, "unknown".....

    The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman

    Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

    Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

    The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. - Author Unknown

    Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

    THIS is a great retirement quote...

    Retire To the Internet!

    When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

    When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

    There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

    Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his experience. He must use it. - Bernard Baruch

    Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering. - A.A. Milne

    Retire from work, but not from life. - M.K. Soni 

    THIS retirement quote is so true! You can't retire to the rocking chair and hide away from life... you simply must have a hobby, job, volunteer -- anything to keep busy!

    Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

    You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Author Unknown

    Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith

    Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. - Malcolm S. Forbes

    There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter Drucker

    Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

    Sooner or later I'm going to die, but I'm not going to retire. - Margaret Mead

    The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

    When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

    When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

    A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

    Oh man, OUCH!

    Retired is being twice tired, I've thought First tired of working, Then tired of not. - Richard Armour

    The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money. - Author Unknown

    If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

    Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

    There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half

    Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. - J. Lubbock

    When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. - Author Unknown

    Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

    Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

    Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. - Harry Vardon

    The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. - Author Unknown

    Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

    Ohhhh soooo true..... this is a must!

    I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

    When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

    When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

    There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

    Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his experience. He must use it. Bernard Baruch 

    This is so very true...

    use all those life experiences in your retirement to help others. 

    ABSOLUTELY love this retirement quote...

    Share your lifetime knowledge and experience on the internet.

    Retire from work, but not from life. - M.K. Soni

    Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow. - Douglas Pagels

    I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

    Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

    You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Author Unknown

    Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith

    Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. - Ernest Hemingway

    Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

    First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

    In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

    The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

    If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

    If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

    The sedentary lifestyle is not a good lifestyle.. get moving!

    Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I"m home - forever." - Gene Perret 

    THIS is a scary retirement quote too... grin!

    Marriage & Retirement thoughts here.

    A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life. - Larry Laser

    When you see some people work, you wonder what they’ll do in retirement..... 


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