Retirement Humor

Smile! It keeps you Young!

Check the many senior jokes on my pages (along with Retirement Quotes to the left) -- for use in your retirement speech, a card to a new retiree, the retirement invitation/flyer! Go for it!

Hey Retired Guy,
How many days are there in a week?

Retiree's Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Here is a good one for New Retirees!

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

The irony of life is that,
by the time You're old enough
to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

Did you know we old folks are worth a fortune?
We have silver in our hair, gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and gas in our stomachs.

The Frivolous Old Woman

Since becoming old a few changes have come into my life. Frankly I have become a frivolous old woman I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me out of bed, then I go to see Jimmy Riddle and then it's time for breakfast with Mr. Kellogg. Then comes some one I do not like at all... Arthur Itis, he knows but he insists on being there, and he stays for the rest of the day. Even then he does not stay in one place but takes me from joint to joint....

Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?" Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefited most by 79 years of fresh air."

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my, am I driving?"

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

Funny Retirement Jokes

You Might Be Getting Old If.....

Aging Jokes

More Retirement Quotes

Retirement Inspirational Quotes

Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement Phrases, more quotes...

Retirement Phrases from Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President