I worked as a State Trooper for thirty one years twelve of this years as an undercover officer working with some of societies less than desirable people.
Along the way I was promoted to Sergeant as a first line supervisor working with my squad for eight years. I believed as we all do, I wanted to follow the promotion path. I was promoted to F/Sergeant and then to Captain.
I worked very hard to follow the promotion path and to move up the ladder. This is what I believed I needed to do too be successful. The career was a good one and I ended up at headquarters. I was responsible for hundreds of employees in special investigations. This position was 120 miles per hour nonstop.
The day came when I realized I had my time in and felt I have done as much as I could do. I also felt like I didn't have the energy or the desire to continue.
I was so excited to have made it to the end of the race and I have earned my pension and most importantly my health insurance. I walked out feeling a great burden was lifted off my shoulders.
This lasted about one day.
I had to talk myself off the ledge the next day. I was going 120 mph the speed I was when I was working, but I was at home.
Since then I have been suffering from anxiety attacks and depression. I keep telling myself this will pass but I'm not having much luck.
Thank god I have a wonderful spouse who is helping me through this along with a few good friends.
People keep telling me to find something to do that I have always wanted to do. Well I've never thought about that before and it comes as quite a surprise to me that its not that easy to find.
The depression is still with me, but not as bad. It is good to find out that I'm not the only one who has these feeling and I really am grateful I found this site. I can't stop reading the responses and finding others with the same feelings.
Thanks to all for the advice and to Wendy for a place of peace and knowledge.
Wendy: Kudos to YOU for looking for help out here. That's the first step... and now you KNOW its not just you, not at all.
I think Law Enforcement, above all, is hit hardest - but rarely tell others how they feel. They lose that tight camaraderie with fellow co-workers, and loss of identity hits heavy. Going from Full Speed to "Nothingness" is difficult for many - but law enforcement is another breed to begin with.
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