A forced Early Retirement

by Cassidy Matthews
(Rock Island, Illinois)

So, I retired when I realized I wasn't getting support from my Supervisor when I had asked for her intervention.

I had been an Itinerant OT for several schools and had to travel between them. One school district would always give me short notice before a meeting was to occur even if it wasn't the day I was in attendance at that school and I had to travel 30 miles to get there, plus miss the students from the school I was supposed to be in attendance that day.

I was stressed because I had previously survived breast cancer, a lumpectomy, major infection and radiation the year before. I felt this stress was damaging to me.

I wasn't due to retire until I was 57, but went earlier, because I told my supervisor it was a hostile work environment. Next thing I knew I found out several teachers had been questioned and they were investigating my work performance.

On final day, I told the director why I was quitting (my supervisor's lack of support/school district calling all the shots), and she told me my supervisor reported I had Poor Performance, even though I was reviewed as Good performance the prior year!

I wasn't due for another review for 2 more years. The director told me my supervisor said we had met regarding this and I told her that was a lie we hadn't. Director said too much time had passed and wouldn't grant an extension.

So, now I'm looking for work that just gets me out of the house and feel useful. My husband makes enough and I have a small pension to cover the mortgage, but I feel depressed, anxious and useless and guilty because now he has to work overtime about 50 hours a week.

I have thought of killing myself. I don't feel I retired because of fun, but because I was suffering from panic attacks! No one wants to hire me for the jobs I qualify for, or I can't keep up in the places that would hire me for my profession. I've tried menial minimum wage jobs and I quit because I can't tolerate them. Even office jobs you have to know so much computer software programs, even though I'm an excellent typist and speller, etc. I don't qualify for those even with a degree! So, I'm struggling.

I won't kill myself because I feel it's spitting in God's face, but that's the only reason. If there wasn't a Heaven or Hell, I would probably do it.

Comments for A forced Early Retirement

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Please go see a doctor...
by: Wendy, www.retirement-online.com

If you are even typing in "kill myself" you need help and soon. Try some meds, get yourself balanced back out -- then consider work again.

Rest -- Breathe -- Meditate.

Please get help!

Please get help!
by: Anonymous

Please seek some professional help soon or seek out someone you can talk to! Reach out to God. Did you stop to think that this happened for a good reason and that God has other plans for you.

May God comfort you.

Take it day by day
by: pp howard

You must keep telling yourself "take it day by day".

I know depression. It's awful, draining and yes, you see no reason to live. It's not that you want to die, you just see no reason to live right now.

Mine is not from retirement, although I am retired, but for a very personal loss. Living is hard; pointless living is very hard BUT I am slowly, and I mean slowly, finding some joy. I know life will never be the same but time does really help heal.

You have had a terrible situation but be happy you are not there anymore. Slow down your mind and just heal. Bike ride, walk, swim, just do something. I do that plus I love TV. Yes, I said it, love TV programs. AND books. It all helps my life now.

Not Worth It
by: John A. / Tyler, Tx


I suggest getting some professional help. To even suggest taking your own life sends up all sorts of red flares to me that intervention needs to take place at some level. Suicide is a selfish act since it hurts friends and family: it heaps guilt on them thinking they could have done something to help.

From the sound of things, it seems as though you did not enjoy the work. Why take your life over something that gave you no pleasure?

I suggest looking at many different things to occupy your time and perhaps turn into a vocation you enjoy. You certainly posted your thoughts on the right web site since Wendy provides tons of great ideas to supplement income and ways to keep yourself busy.

Get busy reading materials in this web site to get your creative juices flowing. The alternative that has crossed your mind is NOT WORTH IT.

Good luck!

I know you have a lot to offer...
by: June from Deerfield

Please quiet your mind and think about your circumstances. You have a lot to be thankful for...loving, hard-working husband, home, good education, reasonable health, roof over your head and so forth. You are not a victim! Rehashing the past serves no purpose...move forward fearlessly.

Do you have hobbies that can lead you in a new employment direction? Can you volunteer somewhere to get your foot in the door? Do your friends or family have employment ideas for you?

Potential employers seek upbeat, positive folks so do whatever you can to focus on the good things in your life...go forth confidently!

Forced Early Retirement
by: Sherry/NC

You have lost your way, really! Just work to get back on the right track; go to your local community college take a class in something that interest you, not something you think you should take!

Do volunteer work this is a great thing to do when you don't have employment anymore. Maybe you will find something you love! I did!

Sat down and be quiet and listen to God; he will guide you!

Your life is before you and God wants you to be happy. You will find your way. Everything comes out well in the end.

Much happiness to you and good luck!

To Cassidy
by: Anonymous

Hello bro,

You certainly elicited a lot of replies.

If O T means occupational therapist try getting your own private clients. Even one or two would be enjoyable since no one is judging you but the client and maybe parents.

And nature: walk in the woods, take park walks over and over if you have to, recognize the beauty.

And as one poster suggested you have lots to be grateful for so write them down and think of them daily. You don't have $ worries really even if your husband has to work more...if he is doing it he's very kind because you guys could just decide to downsize and live on his 40 hour week $.

Good luck: remember you are going to die sometime anyway why rush it.....

A forced Early Retirement
by: Cassidy

Hi thanks for all your comments. I said I felt like doing it, but didn't because I felt it would upset God. So....no worries!

I did enjoy parts of my job such as working with Kids, just not the increasing Politics of working in the schools. I have tried to keep busy, even doing a part-time job, but it seems harder to fit in when you're older.

I tried working in an Skilled Nursing Facility, but the pace was too fast! Also, now I'm delivering meals to a children's program, but the kitchen crew is tough to figure out, why they criticize so much.

I am painting, writing, and reading. I work out daily. I do realize my husband is a good worker, etc. and am grateful.

Thanks for all your concern, I found parts of every note helpful. Getting help, isn't easy as every time you bear your thoughts to someone who isn't helpful, you bear your soul and start all over again....I have tried, but I won't do anything.

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