Adult Child with Emotional Problems

by Rosemary
(Sheffield England)

Hi just as you think your kids are sorted, I find that my younger daughter has blanked me out of her life.

She has been seeing a therapist and it seems that I am to blame for her emotional problems.

I am so hurt and can't work out what ideas must been planted in her susceptible mind, she is very immature at 40... more like a 13-year-old.

Nevertheless, it hurts. Anyone else having these sort of problems. I'd really appreciate some advice.

Best wishes
Rosemary

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Adult Child with Emotional Problems
by: Debra

I had a son who was finally diagnosed Bi-Polar at the age of 40 or so. I had spent the last 10 years getting him help and helping him get some training for a job. He died this June at the age of 50 and 2 months old.

I retired 2 years ago and I realized that I was going to be taking care of him for the rest of his life because of his disability. Before he was diagnosed he had a drug and alcohol problem and there were times that I would not hear from him for years and it was always when he was in crisis and or in need of something.

I am giving you this history because it is important to see that life slips through your fingers and before you know it - you have lived your life waiting for your kid to get help, get better, be a loving child, etc etc. For some of us that never happens, we never will have that type of relationship with our children.

Recognize that your daughter has issues, she is an adult and you are not abandoning her by putting restrictions on the amount of time, effort, and money that will be spent on her.

You have a life to live as well. You have a right to have joy in your life and to do the things that will bring you joy, instead of sitting around worrying and fretting over her. I can promise you that she is not sitting around worrying about you.

You do not have to be cold to her, just put boundaries in place that puts you in control of your time, your effort, your money and maintain them. When you are gone, they will survive and they can survive now. But your time is shorter than theirs.

Sorry for the point-blank view but I have lived a life trying to care for someone and now I am planning on living my life for me.

Best of luck to you.
adult children
by: Cindi H, Ohio

Don't know that I can offer any advice, but just know you are not alone. Our oldest daughter has been ignoring any attempts we have made to communicate. She's in her mid-40's and has always had a chip on her shoulder although she and I used to be able to communicate a lot. She has always felt judged by her sisters and pretty much anyone she's ever worked with.

Super sensitive and it doesn't help that she's done a great deal of impractical things in her life that make no sense to the rest of us. I've tried not to comment on those things but I think she condemns herself and assumes everyone else will, too.

I don't want day to day communication with her, but just enough to let her know that she's family and she's appreciated. Sigh
(good luck with your daughter)
Been there...Done that
by: Leaking Ink/MA

Suggestion: Try not to take it personally. I know it is very hurtful right now, and that makes it even more difficult.

Your daughter is just starting therapy. Unfortunately, therapy is a long-haul journey, but worth it in the end. She will eventually come full-circle. This is about her, not you. Allow her to face her demons, learn from it, and grow.

With a good Therapist, her "blaming others" should resolve itself in the long run. Believe in her. Give her the time and space and love to feel and to grow. I am sorry that you are going through this right now.

I implore you to try to hang in there with her during this very difficult time period. She is your daughter, and you are her Mother. No matter how old she is. Swallow hard. Bite the bullet, and stick to examining yourself, your relationships, and your own journey. We cannot fix others. We can only fix ourselves.

Trust that Love will pull you both through this.
Similar Story
by: Anonymous

My adult child confronted me with things I said and did that he perceived as being hurtful in his life and causing problems for him.

I validated his perceptions and accepted them, apologized for what he perceived as affecting him negatively, even when inside myself I may have had a different perception.

I did not try to defend myself or blame him for "his part" or explain my point of view. I simply said I understood how pained he was and apologized for any part I had in that pain.

Our relationship has never been better since and we have been able to authentically and genuinely talk about things after I simply validated him and accepted his perceptions.
Adult Child with Emotional Problems
by: Anonymous

Yes, my son blamed me for all his addiction problems. Said because he came from a single parent home. Even though I raised two girls who went on to college and good jobs and are supportive. Very painful and upsetting.

I suffered abuse from him for years until he died of his addictions at age 36. It's very sad when a child does this and they seem to do it a lot. This generation anyway.

I would never and have never blamed my mother for any of my problems. I have an adult daughter in a prestigious job and she is 48 and more like age 18 as well. No kids, not married and parties a lot.

They never seem to grow up these days and are all so entitled. I find it sad.
2 Sides
by: Wee-zer

Well, there are two sides to every story. We don't know hers and we don't know yours. You certainly could have done some kind of damage without realizing it. Your daughter could have taken things the wrong way. Maybe you didn't communicate with her certain feelings. Maybe she needed more than you had to offer. Some of these feelings are pent up and as we age, they come out of nowhere. Seems maybe you both should go to therapy to really find out what is ticking with both of you.

My husband was abused by his adopted father and treated like garbage his entire childhood. Told he would never amount to anything from a young age. This man broke his heart into a million pieces and he has carried this pain his entire adult life. His adopted father was an ignorant, mean spirited person who was the loser in his relationship with his adopted son. My husband turned out to be a kind and gentle person in spite of this fiend, and was very successful in his occupations and marriage of 47 years.

Who knows what went on in the fiends mind. Maybe that is how he was raised and knew no better. However, he had other biological children who he did not torture.

There are a lot of dynamics that goes on with families. Some parents can't show love, have favorites, are tough taskmasters, want to be friends instead of parents. The list goes on and on.

Don't dismiss your daughters issues as 'her' problem. Maybe she has issues that medicine can help too.

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