Adult children

by Polly
(Florida )

I sure feel my kids don’t really care to spend anytime with me.

I think they just figure I’m getting old (69) and don’t know how to have fun anymore. My grandchildren are now teenagers and really don’t need me for anything now.

I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Comments for Adult children

Click here to add your own comments

Community
by: Anonymous

My Community is my True Family, a two-way street of respect, appreciation, belonging, contribution.
Adult Children
by: Sherry/ NC

Wendy, I bet you will get more replies about adult children than any subject ever!
Same here…..
by: Debra

I feel the same way with my kids !!!
I always reach out to them but it’s always me !!!

I’ve tried to tell them how I feel but they don’t get it…….my friends are always talking about their children and grandchildren and sometimes I feel bad.

A counselor told me to sit back and let them look for me…….thank-god for my guy friend !!!
Adult Children
by: William, HI

You need not be sad because children do not commonly move too far from home.

They know that everyone makes mistakes and will need to regroup; despite any lack of communication.

Although people live in communities that lack communication, we still need one another.
Family
by: Sherry/ NC

You have to make contact with them, just like they have to make contact with you. Communication is the key to success! No one should be making all of the calls and doing all of the invites!

My grandsons are 14 and 10 and don't need me anymore either. They stay at home sometimes by themselves. It is true they do grow up but they still love us and want to see us.

Call them and invite them for an outing; maybe to go out to eat or to the movie or how about an outside summer concert. This is what I do with my grans.
North American Society.
by: Bruce Hackert

I know how you feel. Sadly, and all too often children and grandchildren don't have time for their parents.

We live in a me - me society. Perhaps you could hint to your children and grandchildren you would like to see them more often. I assume you are kind, generous and thoughtful towards your kids.

In many Asian societies the parents are almost worshiped by their children. They are raised to show respect and thoughtfulness towards their parents.

PS. My hat is off to Wendy for the care she is giving her mother. It is really nice to see children looking after their parents.
Adult Children
by: Tyler/Atlanta

Sorry you feel like you are no longer needed. It's time to do things with your own friends. If you don't have any, maybe there is a social group you can join. Also, you can enjoy doing things on your own.

There may be someone in this group that lives in your area that you can link up with.
Try to remember
by: Jane

I am 70, and have 5 adult offspring, 7 grands. Except for mothers day and my birthday, they rarely make contact with me.

Unless someone needs a favor, like provide transportation for a grand, or some special occasion, like graduations, the occasional school event, I just never hear from them.

For a number of years I hosted holidays, but no one returned the favor, so now I just do without or invite myself.

But I do try to remember what it was like for me raising 5 kids, how I would be so involved in daily busy living I probably did not pay much attention to mom and dad.

I raised them to be independent and responsible. I think it is up to me to also be independent and responsible for my own well being.

I must remember that they owe me nothing, my love for them is not conditional.
Different perspective
by: Alison NY

Just so you get a different perspective, let me tell you about my life with two boys (age 37 and twins) who both live within walking distance of my house.

I cannot get away from them. I am either babysitting or loaning yard tools or housing a vehicle in my garage.

Both of them consult me on any number of issues cause their spouses are smart enough to send them my way so they don't have to listen to them. Stomach aches, acid reflux, aches and pains. Call mom.

I wish cell phones had never been invented. I can't shop without a call from someone, especially a granddaughter who calls (a parent has to dial the phone) and says in a pathetic sweet voice "I come to your house today, Grandma?" I never ever say no. And they know it.

Just this weekend I said to myself....this is YOUR weekend. Go shopping, garden, go to the movies. Turn off your phone.

Guess what? I am babysitting.

I have expressed to my kids that I am NOT their best friend, even though I have heard myself referred to as that often from both.

I have friends who lament the fact that their grandchildren live hundreds of miles away and they never see them. A week a year, if that. Face time on the phone.

But they go on day trips, vacations, have jobs volunteering. They don't have to consider the needs of their children when determining their own plans anymore.

Enjoy your time as an aging woman and find friends your own age to do things with.

I think our generation wanted to stay friends with our kids forever...helicopter parenting. But really...we need to find our own happiness and contentment.

Schedule family time
by: Redman Catskill

Polly - Explain to your children that you would like to spend more time with them. Do your children and grandchildren live nearby? Invite them over for lunch or dinner. If possible, make it a regular weekly event.

Teenagers are at that age where they are doing their own thing and trying to find themselves. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give. You might also want to consider volunteering with a foster grandparent program in your area.
Don't feel bad
by: Tommy

Greetings Polly, in this electronic cellphone/internet world people are simply not getting together face to face.

They think just by making a comment or liking something you post is sufficient to maintain relationships...it isn't.

I think most family members simply fill up their lives with daily routines and tasks that may place visiting our parents near the bottom of the list that they rarely get to.

I am the primary caregiver for my mother as well as my grandmother who is no longer with us. When my grandmother passed, all my siblings felt so guilty and sad for never making the time to see her in palliative care home. I know it bothered my grandmother but she never said so.

I suggest you start taking the first step and call them and plan fun get togethers or visits and after a few visits hopefully it will slowly intergrate into their daily/weekly or monthly plans. They just need to be reminded of how important attention and love is to the elderly.

Best of luck Polly. I feel your pain.
Game Plan
by: Mark/Maryland

Hi Polly! First let me say I will be 69 in September, and I don't know about you, but my Class of '71 had our 50th reunion all planned last fall until a new wave of COVID cancelled the party. No worries, because WE ARE SURVIVORS!!

My wife and I watched a movie recently called "Being Rose." It got a little depressing near the end, but one part of the dialog was memorable.

James Brolin's character told Cybill Shepherd's character that an old Spanish woman had once told him that everyone needs to leave something behind that they made themselves, like a drawing or a story, so there is tangible evidence they existed.

So, here's what you do. If you either have or have access to a computer, show your kids and grandkids how relevant you really are by recording the story of your life for them to read after you're gone.

I struggle with relevance constantly, and our two adult children and two grandchildren all live within ten minutes of my wife and me!

Tell them things about their mother and grandmother they don't know and may even have trouble believing. Each story about your life experience will add unimaginable texture to their own lives, and even though it now seems they don't care as much as you think they should, they will treasure those stories as they approach our age.

Save your story on a zip-drive and make sure it is safeguarded and passed down as a specific item in your will, like any other personal possession you hold dear.

And then remember this:

We're not old, we're EXPERIENCED!
We're not irrelevant, we're POWERFUL!
You're not alone
by: Gail/Fresno, CA

Polly, I have often felt and still feel this way too. I know exactly what you feel.

However, we need to know our children have moved on with their own lives. Sadly, they get so busy, that they really don't have time to spend with us. I don't think this is right, however, it is a harsh reality.

I only get a text message every once in a while. And, yes, there are other friends of mine, their children visit them all the time. But start counting your blessings. There is always something to be thankful for.

If you believe in prayer, pray for them as well.

If they're happy with their lives, well, I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Family Matters.