Advice for Grieving

by Tracy
(Wisconsin)

I was so lucky to be able to retire 1.2 years and be able to spend some of that time with my Mom. She died a week ago and I am devastated.

She was so active right up to the end. Due to medical errors she ended up needing dialysis and then she had an Abdominal Aortic aneurism and she chose not to go ahead with risky surgery after the surgery to repair it killed her colon. She hated dialysis and the lack of control of her schedule.

I know she was 86 years old but I am constantly telling people she was a VERY active 86 and I was hoping to be with her another 5-7 years.

I guess I am lucky that I experienced my very first loss of this magnitude at 57 years old but I wonder, how do people get through the pain? I have siblings that are all healthy and alive. I can’t imagine getting older and going through this pain of losing loved ones. I feel as though I lost my very best friend in the world. I miss her so.

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Thank you for all your supportive comments
by: Tracy/Wisconsin

Thank you for the caring, thoughtful comments. I will take all the advice.

I think what is saving me for now is that I returned to my part time job after my month leave with Mom’s health.

The day I found out she was going into Hospice (she died 7 days later) was the day I had to put our dog down. So once Mom died, it was literally the first time in my life I had no mother OR pet on earth. I’ve ALWAYS had both. Now at the time I needed them both, they went around the same time.

What also is a step back is the fact that we had to move away from our hometown. It’s only 1.5 hours away but it’s far enough that you can’t just run over to someone’s house, especially with winter travel and working.

If anyone has a book that helped them, please pass along the title. I am really enjoying Theresa Caputo’s Good Grief book, it helped me through the first 2 weeks after she passed.

Advice for Grieving
by: Lisa/Canada

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult this time is for you. Do you have family or friends that you can spend time with? Allow yourself to grieve but don’t get stuck in it. In time the pain will lessen and you will find a new normal. It would be good for you if you could start a hobby to keep your mind active and to bring you some joy. Keep active, go for walks, and take care of yourself.

devastating loss
by: Anonymous

Aw, so sorry. I just never got over the tragic loss of my mother really. I find comfort in something my mom's sister said, "When God wants you, he will take you". I found my mother dead in her garage. Her hip had broken and she fell, and basically froze also, as it was cold.

I wish I had sued the "active retirement" center where she had an apartment, for not notifying me that she had been missing for 3 days. She had gone back to the house she was selling to check for mail and check the house. We only stopped our daily ritual of checking via voice mail that she was ok because the stupid active retirement center (that she had only been in for a month) supposedly had a system to do that safety check for people their with their own small apartments and a food plan in the center restaurant.

I'll NEVER get over the horror of it. But my aunt's words somehow comfort me:"When God wants you, he will take you".

So in our case, the retirement center, not doctor, botched things.


Grieving
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband of 40 years in Nov, 2011 and then lost my Mom 6 months later. (My two best friends.) I retired in Sept. 2016 at 66 years old. I miss them every day.

I just take one day at a time.

Grief
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, grief is awful. I lost my husband back in September. He was 67 years old. We had been married over 35 years. I still struggle from day to day. I had retired 2.5 years prior to his death. We had a wonderful 2.5 years of retirement.

I found a Grief Support Group. It has helped me. Also, I read some Widow/Loss books as well. I've seen Grief Support Groups for loss of a parent and grief support books for loss of a parent too. Please grab on to some grief support resources. It will help you get through this.

Losing your mom
by: Donna

Tracy I am so sorry. I lost my best friend, my mom December 25, 2000. It still hurts and I think of her often. She was great. We would talk about what it would be like after she was gone. She wanted me to be happy. She said to remember she would be living in my heart. She didn't want me to have to worry about any decisions regarding her care.

My mom really helped me to go on. She absolutely loved Christmas which is the day she died with her family at her bedside. She told me for years she prayed for a peaceful death. Hang in there and remember those good times.

Prayers

Just a perspective
by: Sandy

Tracy - I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mom and that you are so very sad. It sounds like you had a wonderful mother and a great relationship. I just lost my dad 3 weeks ago. He was 91 and had complications after surgery.

I have been going through my own grief but also deeply thinking of what solace I can take in his passing. I wonder if some of it might help you.

As I read books about death, many of them talk about how difficult many passings can be - painful, alone, institutionalized, and all sorts of things I don't want to post. Although I lost my dad, I celebrate that he did not suffer long and was with loving family when he passed.

If possible, when the time is right, maybe you can consider that as well regarding your mom. When my dad passed, I kept saying,"I just wanted one more day", but one more day when he was vital, not suffering. Unfortunately, we don't get to make that choice. So I have to accept his death and enjoy the time I had.

Our lives will never be the same, but hopefully, we can begin to look at our parents' lives as ones to be celebrated and not mourned. Please reach out to friends who have gone through this, too. They know your journey. And if you wish to reach out to me, feel free to do so.

I wish you good memories and peace.

Losing a parent
by: Marcia/Pennsylvania

I took care of my mother for the last six years of her life. She died at 95 but I too wanted her to be around longer. However, I know that the last six years she had my full attention and I was able to give her quality of time. It helps to know that she was happy and well taken care of.

Your mother knew that you were there for her, even though it wasn't as long as you both would have liked. Take it one day at a time and try to remember all the good times. It will get easier. You will still feel the loss but in time you will be able to remember more of the good and less of the bad times.

Advice for Grieving
by: Sherry/ NC

Dear one, yes the lost of a parent is devastating especially if they were a good parent! I lost my mother when I was 62.

I had been her part-time caretaker. She was a good mother and I miss her terribly, but she had been suffering with her health for several years and I know she is without pain and in a happy, peaceful place now.

Recently on a winter day I looked out my patio door and saw a yellow butterfly which I thought was unusual. I believe that was a sign from her that she was in a wonderful place with no pain! It is comforting.

Only time can heal the passing.

Losing Mom...
by: Wendy

I have no advice as I still have my mother at age 91.

I also cannot imagine what you are going through. I often wonder how I will pull through when I lose my mother... we have been best friends for many years now. Especially after I retired 8 years ago, we spend most days together... scary thought.

Sending prayers that you continue to live life. She wouldn't want you to stay home, get depressed, right? You should live out her legacy --

Stay Active! Best Wishes...

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