Children don't come around anymore

by KatieKat
(Deep South)

My husband and I have been retired about two years now.

Our children don't seem to come around anymore - only on holidays - even though they live 15 minutes and 30 minutes away.

Once a month we get a text from our daughter asking us to babysit when she works on a Saturday.

Prior to us retiring, we saw them regularly. They say "nothing is wrong" but we don't hear from them unless we initiate the contact.

What do others do in this situation?

Comments for Children don't come around anymore

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Talk to your kids, and listen
by: Allie

Hi Kate,

I don't know why your kids don't come around anymore. I don't know your family dynamic or history. I can only give you my perspective of my experience, and tell you why I no longer try to see my father.

When my kids were young I tried to visit often, and I called my dad often to see how he was doing and to let my kids talk to him too. I never had a great relationship with my father, but thought maybe now that I had kids it could be an opportunity to have a better relationship with him, and for my kids to know him.

Over time I realized that it was always me reaching out, me calling, me trying to connect.

I also saw I didnt always like the way my dad and stepmother treated my kids. They seemed burdened if they ever watched them. So I guess I just felt like my dad and stepmother didnt care to have us around. They never acted excited to see the kids, and never reached out to us to see how we were doing. It just felt like a very one-sided relationship.

Anytime I tried to talk to my dad about how I was feeling, his ego would be hurt, he'd say "you're too sensitive".

He was emotionally neglectful as a father when I was a kid. And he still is today.

I thought I wonder what would happen if I dont call him anymore, will he call me? The answer was no.

Often adult children stop coming around their parents because the parents dont change, in whatever way their kids need them to. So adult kids finally accept them for what they are, and they stop trying to get through to them, or they stop trying to please them.

They instead have families of their own, and they put their focus there, and they try not to make the same mistakes their parents made.

This may not be why your kids dont come around. But there also could be things that need to be addressed. I would try to have an open conversation with them, invite them to explain, and listen.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Children are a blessing
by: Michigan

I love my kids and I know they love me. I feel blessed they are in my life as I have talked to those who have no one, or who's kids have passed and that's sad.

Sure we would love to see them more and I miss being with them but not only are they busy raising their own families but they are also dealing with a lot more then we had too with social media and the crazy world so it's not that they don't care it's really they have so much they are dealing with.

The important thing to remember is they know if they need you they can count on you and you can count on them. I use to be hurt I wasn't invited to BBQ, to their house, or that they didn't come over as much once their kids didn't need a babysitter but then I realized I was the one who had the time and energy and should be reaching out to them.

You know they still need to hear you say, "How are you? I love you!" So pick up the phone and call or better yet make them their favorite meal and take it over with a note ~ "Enjoy I love you"

Kids don't come around
by: Ken in California

Don't make the mistake of building your life around your kids or grandkids like so many seniors do. You must bite the bullet and proactively search for other people, venues, activities, or whatever to take their place.

Don't go where you're not wanted. It is that way for some of us. I know because I have been there, and am going thru it right now. Keep the door open, but don't wait for them to come thru it.

You go out and find something or other to take their place.

by: Diane / Canada

I seem to have the same problem. I moved closer to my daughter so i could have a relationship with my grandsons and for the first 5 years I did afterschool care.

This year I said no as they are older and rarely see them anymore. I took a cake to them for valentines day after school but that is about it. See my daughter when she goes grocery shopping sometimes and the only other time I hear from them is when they want something.

I try to understand that they are very busy with activities and jobs and just want to be here if they need something.

I am not taking it personally and know that at some point I will need some more attention as I age and firmly believe they will be there then..

They are busy
by: Sherry/ NC

Your children take you for granted. I know because mine do.

My daughter moved to a new home 10 years ago and I never hear from her!! If I'm lucky I get a birthday card! My son lives 10 miles from me and I hear from him if he needs me to care for the children!!

They take us for granted!!

They are also busy with their lives, marriage, home, children, and jobs. They know I am near to help them and I do love them. I wish to spend more time with them, but
they are too busy.

I just accept it and I don't ask questions.

Good luck and I wish you happiness, just make a life for yourself without them, but keep in touch!!

no visits
by: Anonymous

I went to a counselor over this matter. He said. "then you initiate the contact whenever you want to see them and say when is a good time to come visit ? and do it and keep doing it. "

Children don't come around
by: Elna Nugent, /MassachusettsL

Dear K: One of the reasons people stay young is if they are often in touch with their children or young adults .

Consider asking your daughter what day of the week is good for her to get on the phone with you for about ten minutes or so. Ask her about her life , her work and how things are going with her. Become someone who is truly interested in her and her daily life.

If she asks how you are, try to find something that is funny or current in the news that you find interesting.

Be more interested in her to the point where she looks forward to hearing the phone ring that special time of the week . Let her know you are proud of her and her accomplishments,.

This can be life changing. God Bless.

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