HELP! Resenting Retired Husband

Well, my hubby has been retired for 6 years from the military. He has been working a PT job since then, which is seasonal.

All he does during the winter months is complain about the winter weather (we are in WI), and spends 10+ hours a day watching TCM B&W movies and old tv shows from the 50's.

He has no interest in watching anything current, just the same old thing day in and day out, same episodes over and over again. He does vacuum every week 1 time, and cooks meals about 2 times a week.

I am still working FT, and to be honest, when I get home I'm tired...and am really getting resentful of the amount of effort I have to put into our household when he is not working and doesn't contribute at least 50%.

He feels since he "gave his life for his country" that he should be able to vegetate every day with no comments from anyone...he's earned it.

I am very appreciative of his service, but to be honest, we are the same age and I too have given 40+ years to a career. He wants me to retire in 3 years when I turn 62...and to be honest, I don't want to be home with him all day when this is all he does. It makes me crazy just dealing with it when I get home from work every day and on weekends.

I too plan to either work a PT job or continue with volunteering as I have over the years upon retirement.

How do I stop feeling the resentment of all of this...he's a good guy otherwise, just seems very lazy to me by acting this way.

Comments for HELP! Resenting Retired Husband

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by: Georgis

You may resent your husband but I have an unmatched resentment.

My ex, father of my three grown and successful daughters, who never did ANYTHING for these girls, divorced since 1980, who now wants to move in with one of them.

I am livid, since I busted my bottom, working three jobs to feed, clothe and educate these girls without a bit of help.

I told my daughter that I had a real problem with this and did not want her to pick up the pieces of his broken life and womanizing. Am I wrong? Why feed a non caring monster?

by: Anonymous

I really have no idea, but hope that intermittently you can forgive him. I can never keep a steady forgiveness, but can intermittently feel forgiveness.

That said, it makes sense to stop cooking entirely.

Resenting Retired Husband
by: Sherry/ NC

He needs to be entertained!! Tell him to go sit on a park bench and feed the squirrels. He will meet others like him and maybe can learn from one another. He can get a pet to keep him busy and animals do not judge you; they love you no matter what.

People do not want to be told what to do. He will eventually find his own way. He is taking a break.

Thank you for serving my country and I love my FREEDOM!!!

by: Anonymous

Negotiate changes; endure or leave. All life is about adapting to changes

Count your blessings
by: Anonymous

I say this completely without judgment, just so that you might see the situation through different eyes. When we look out the windows of our houses, the landscape never changes, but the way we see it, the things we notice, can and do change with a different perspective.

Was your husband faithful to you all these years? Has he been there for you when the furnace goes out, the sidewalk needs shoveling, the lawn needs to be taken care of? If you have been ill, has he helped you out with appointments, any hospitalizations, etc? When the power goes out, are you alone in the dark, or will that man be there for you--the two of you working as a team to survive?

I face all these things alone now, and I would give anything for someone to sit on my couch.

Has he been a kind and faithful husband? If there are children, has he been a good father?

My husband left me after a 27 year marriage because of a "midlife crisis" Because of the way the marriage ended, we have no contact between us now. Adjusting to an empty house has been hell.

I read, study, meditate, exercise, care for my pets and interact with friends as much as possible. I have explored several hobbies and volunteering, yet nothing fills the void left by the absence of a person you have lived with for so many years--whether the marriage was a "good" one or not. Even though I have family and friends, there are so many hours 1:1 companionship, and it has been bleak, very bleak.

I sometimes watch those 50's programs (not 10 hours a day, though) all by myself--no one to laugh with or talk about the "good old days." I am not feeling sorry for myself, because i know that all happens for a reason and what it meant to happen, happens. I have grown in many ways, and continue to grow. My job is to come to terms with the solitude and accept the situation I have ended up in.

I am not saying you do not have a right to want the most out of life, just that you might feel better if you looked at the situation differently.

The bible tells us "Bless a situation and it will bless you, curse a situation and it will curse you.

I would just give you a gentle, loving reminder to count your blessings.

by: LouiseCT

Unfortunately your hub sounds like he likes his routine but it is time for you to have a discussion to talk about the TV shows.

Tell him you have certain likes too and you want to watch some current shows when you get home from work. Before you have the discussion pick out some shows and have the times and channels listed. Tell him it will be fun for the two of you to explore new shows. If you like funny movies watch those. I think you should be open with him and tell him what is bugging you and that if he can't bend a little, then your retirement together just is no going to work out.

My hub tends to watch some shows like NCIS and repeats that we have seen more than twice. But I have let him know that there are shows that I want to watch too. I have told him I am willing

to watch some of his shows I don't particularly like. Maybe you could also plan some activities outside the house to get away from the tv.

Been there done that
by: Laura in Vermont

After some time featuring loss of our business, loss of his father, a heart attack and general loss of health from side effects of medication, my husband is chronically depressed.

Could it be your husband, who may well miss his military career and focuses on the past, is also depressed? Men with depression retreat and get snarly when goaded to do something else. They try to help but honestly don't have much energy. They may be anxious about things but men don't have outlets unless they have a buddy they can really talk to. Those are rare.

If your husband won't talk about this, you might want to clue his primary care doctor in. It won't do to try to force him to treatment.

It's great that he participates in household chores. Feed him positives about that and about other things you appreciate about him, and see if that helps.

As far as your own retirement, don't do it till you're ready and figure on having things to do outside the home until/unless he perks up some.

by: mildred tn

Have u told him exactly how u feel? If not do so. then suggest he get a hobby. sign up for Senior Citizen Group. visit the library, sign up for Netflix an do survey for their movies an get paid to do. start a walking club, get a dog to walk. if none of this works use the rolling pin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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