Husband is Retired & Has Cancer Too !

Ok I need to vent or I am going to burst!

My Husband retired a little over a year and he has prostate cancer. We are both in our 60's.

I thank God I am in Decent health but my Husband is at times in pain with this cancer. He does nothing to help himself, he sits all day on the couch watching TV and goes to bed at 7-8 every nite.

We sleep in separate rooms because I need quiet time away from him. He would follow me from room to room, this was making me crazy! I feel sorry for him but also feel sorry for me as I have no life! I do Everything, Cook, Clean ,Mow the Lawn,Bills & Take him to Dr appointments 10 times a month sometimes! At night I just cry myself to sleep as I am just so depleted.

We have been married for over 40 yrs & I never thought it would end like this!

The cancer is in his bones, he is on hormone therapy so he has good and bad days! But even when he feels good, he still sits on the damn couch in his PJ's! It is so depressing to see him like this .

I feel it is starting to take a toll on me also. I do get my butt to the gym as I feel I have to keep strong to take care of him! UGH!!!

Comments for Husband is Retired & Has Cancer Too !

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I Totally Understand
by: Canadian Retiree

I sympathize with you. My husband is retired now for about 4 years, has diabetes, had kidney cancer, has colitis and is overweight. He doesn't want to do much of anything anymore.

Now I'm retired and we seem to be irritating one another a lot. I try to get along and keep quiet but he has short fuse and loses his temper and yells at me. I'm getting really fed up.

Our house looks horrible and is falling apart. It needs some upgrades and clutter clearing, but he won't let me get rid of the junk. I feel depressed when I look around. I get out of the house as much as I can.

The biggest mistake I made was retiring too soon. I had the chance to return to work after my cancer treatments and I dropped the ball. I stupidly put in for retirement now I regret my decision. I should have worked for a couple more years.

I'm putting on weight and am feeling bored and unhappy. Sorry, I don't have any magic answers for you.

Just hang in there. Hoping the best for your husband.
Retired with cancer
by: Wee Zer

Sorry to hear your husband retired and has cancer. Same thing happened to my husband. One year after he retired he found out he had prostate cancer.

He was devastated and almost had a nervous breakdown. He has had surgery to have his prostate removed. Then results showed he still had cancer so he had radiation and hormone therapy. He has mentally improved but he has sad days too.

Why don't you plan some fun things on the days you take him to the doctor. Go to a local restaurant and have lunch. Pack a picnic lunch and go to a park. Go to a farm stand and buy some fresh produce or fruit. Do some shopping with him and pick up some favorite foods and something special to have for dinner.

My husband started doing word search puzzles. He still does the lawn and snow shoveling. He also cooks sometimes. Can you find a fun recipe and get him involved in helping you like cutting up veggies or forming meatballs?

My Dad had a stroke and one day I went there and we made broccoli bread with pepperoni, mozzarella cheese and spices. We baked off these loaves. He seemed to enjoy it.

Then there is the senior center you could either take him to and drop him off to do some activities or you can stay and enjoy some too.

There are Meet Up groups all over the USA. Investigate what there is in your area. You might find one that does hiking, biking, knitting, quilting, book clubs. Your local library might also offer book clubs where the group reads the same book and then discusses it.

If you contact your local Senior Center they may have a social worker that you can discuss your disillusion and the lack of motivation of your husband. Maybe they can make some suggestions.

Good luck!
yep, so be it
by: Anonymous

I get it my friend. Nothing is about you it i all about him right now. Also, I can't tell if he was a particularly loving husband before, if not, well.....just do what you can.

I have personally always had to work full time, take care of kids, pay the bills, mow the lawn, make meals for he who would show up if he felt like it, etc.

I am in a similar position, but have made the decision I want to have no , or few regrets regarding my own behaviors. I fail sometimes.

I basically take care of him so that my kids (his too) will not have to take care of him.

Best to you and all caregivers in all situations. Find some joy somewhere, even if it is in a bird chirping, music, netflix, etc.

My aunt said that God will take each of us when he wants.
In same boat
by: Patrick

Just retired and found out I had prostate cancer after five months. Now on hormone therapy and about to start 45 sessions of radiation therapy. We have been married 45 years and we did not expect this to happen either.

It is quite a shock at first but I continue with my life as much as possible. Walking, going to the gym etc. It is difficult and painful but necessary as life is not yet over. There are still good times to be had.

Somehow you need to persuade your husband to get out of the house and start doing things again. He sounds like he is suffering from depression and may need medical treatment to get over it. Do you have any family who can help?

Good luck and please do not give up on him. 40 years is a long time and this is a difficult time for both of you.
Take care of yourself first
by: Laura in Vermont

You certainly have a tough problem! Caregiving will eat you alive if you let it. The good news is, you aren't letting it!

You took two good steps in getting your own room and going to the gym. Those are basic time and space for you. I think you can have more.

Why? A dear friend cared for her husband for 17 years or so and still had a life. She also had her own room and went to the gym. And she took care of everything, house, lawn, meals and so forth. But she also had crafts that she would do while her husband watched TV or did puzzles. If she needed to go someplace during the day, she left him a lunch and went. She read when he went to bed early.

They also did things together when he was able. They would go on drives and explore. They tried new restaurants. And if he didn't want to go and she did, she went with a friend or alone.

The housework does not need you 24/7 and probably he doesn't either. And think about this. You want more than house and yard work to fill your life after he's gone.

All the best to you!
Caretaking Responsibilities
by: Leaking Ink

Please try to find a local support group for Caretakers of Cancer Patients. Please inquire about a Home Health Aide through Medicare. Maybe if you could get away during the day while he watches TV to go to a Senior Center Activity or just visit with a friend, it might help. I’m sorry for what you are going through right now. It’s a lot to take on. You need to take care of you too, before resentment and frustration builds up any further.
Damn Couch in PJ's
by: Joe W.

After 40 years of marriage it's surprising to hear that you aren't as compassionate as you could be to your husband.

What if the roles were reversed and you had the cancer instead of your husband. Do you think that you would expect expect your husband to care for you 24/7? Mon Dieu!
For: Husband is Retired & Has Cancer Too
by: Anonymous

As a cancer survivor I live with the complications of surviving every day. Cancer not only attacks the body but leaves a scare in the mind.

Your husband sounds rightfully depressed. Im sure he never thought that at this stage of his life would be like this.

I do not know your financial situation but maybe you can have a landscaper do the lawn and he may be entitled for an aid through social services to take him for Dr. appointments plus. This could help lighten the load, giving you more strength.

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