I again awoke with heart pounding
(Alone in suburbia)
It's been years since this last happened. I retired 3.5 years ago and wish I didn't.
At the time I felt like a trapped animal, in pain and afraid. My therapist pushed me (unethical), my husband encouraged it, and I didn't know where to turn.
Now, in COVID, I have 1 friend I see very occasionally. My husband is gradually retiring so I never know when he might be home which means I have no privacy, for now, ubiquitous zoom appointments. I need a therapist, not the old one whom I have to pay out of pocket because she refuses to take Medicare even though she takes Medicaid. Anyway, I would have no privacy so how would I use therapy.
My marriage is pretty empty, husband of 40 long years says he pays no attention to anything, I say because "You say a lot of things!"
There's no camraderie, no easy conversing because I am always trying to only say that which is necessary. I am so lonely.
Anxiety and depression are coming back. He makes me feel like all this is my fault.
I want a life DO-OVER! Failing that I need to figure out how to fix this one. COVID doesn't help. I need to get out away from him alone.