Inert husband

by Janey

My husband retired 2 years ago, After a short time when he seemed to show interest in a few hobbies: golf , woodturning, walking.


He has now become really lazy - gets up late, does very little around the house and is becoming increasingly aggressive... to the point that he had a 'tantrum' tonight because our son washed up instead of drying the dishes- the usual routine. I cook! He hates drying up so I ended up doing it to get the job done!

I said to him it did not matter surely who did it as long as it got done, but no he threw a tantrum and accused ME of treating him like a child, when I said he was being ridiculous.

He acts more and more like a child- we have been together for 30 years but now we are retired we have less and less in common.

I am conscious of the fact that we are not getting any younger and I want to do lots of things which he is not interested in.

We have no sex life - he is impotent and has made no attempt to do anything about it. I have got to the point when I really do not want to be with him any longer.

I'm not an easy person to live with but I have tried to keep things going but he is aggressive and abusive and I have had enough of him.

Comments for Inert husband

Click here to add your own comments

change is hard
by: Ken

I this is hard for both of you. Some counseling to help you negotiate a new balance might be helpful.

ED is a challenge and sometime drugs can help but finding a good DR that sees this as just as important as managing heart disease, or other age related issues can be challenging.

It may be aggravated by low testosterone levels that also is common as men age. That not only decrease desire but can make feeling arousal increasing difficult. As a woman I'm sure you can appreciate the impact hormones can have on both mood and s desire.

He may be feeling at loose ends and a bit depressed by both health changes and the loss of a role and a purpose as a provider.

Try to have a positive approach and couch this as a honest desire to want, to find a way to make this time the best years of your life, for both of you. Seek his help figuring out how to make that happen. We're men that's what we do by nature. we are problem solvers more that listeners by nature, so maybe you can leverage that trait.

I think the men are being harsh
by: Mary

I certainly feel different about your situation than the other male commenters here. My husband was fine before he retired...fun, thoughtful interesting.

Once he retired he had no one to be a manager over, as he did that at his profession. We had moved away ( our choice) and he was also out of his element with leaving friends and family behind.

He became possessive, critical and picked on me for every little thing. He had no hobbies other than yard work.
I believe he became depressed and took a lot of his frustrations out on me.

We were retired for 11 years and then he did pass away from cancer. I’m sure we never would have divorced, but the marriage was strained and we were both resentful for different reasons. For him, lack of purpose as his ego was tied up with his with his management job and me for the way he could treat me at times. I grew so tired of the controlling and criticism.

Now 6 years later, I have moved, got my own home to decorate as I please, come and go as I please, make decisions on my own without having to check in and I’m free of unnecessary criticism. I miss him and feel very bad he died from a terrible disease too young, but I am honestly more at peace and have gained a lot of confidence in myself and have found who I truly am and I’m enjoying my life now.

It’s difficult to be in an unhappy marriage and the resentment will rise. But there’s a lot to think about if you are considering divorce. Perhaps marriage counseling if you can get him to go. Most won’t nor will they admit to depression. I’m sure medication would have helped my husband, but he would have refused. The stubbornness of some men is so self destructive.

My best to you.

Harshness
by: John A

I let my better half read my initial response before sending it for publication. I wanted the feedback from a trusted point of view and a different perspective of the female. She agrees with what I wrote.

We've both been though our failed marriages and have bought the t-shirts and hats to prove it. And my business and military background in the USMC taught me to be direct and to the point.

Could I have written things in a different way? Absolutely yes! Would it have really made any difference to sugar coat reality? Probably not.

The perceived harshness comes from the directness in my words and telling someone to take responsibility for their part in a failing relationship. The facts, regardless of how they are presented, are always hard and bitter pills to swallow. In the end of it all,it takes two to tango in a relationship.

Wendy: I get that John. That's why I commented what I did, yes harsh but lets look at reality. Life goes on... we all make decisions and have to live with consequences later.

Kindness
by: Seen one

Thank you, Wendy, for addressing the harshness that was here. I would like to see us be kind to one another especially in light of the vulnerability involved in making any online post.

My Thoughts
by: Wendy, www.retirement-online.com

John is a bit harsh, but I have to confess, you yourself said you are difficult to live with. HOW can you understand this about yourself, and yet not do something (anything) for yourself to correct this in some manner?

In reality, you have control over you and you alone. Help yourself. See a doctor, find a coach, get in a women's support group, or get out of the house and do something.

When I approved this post, I seriously thought to myself: The marriage maintained while he worked and had a getaway. Now he is depressed both from a new retirement and a depressing home life, stuck at home, and all is worse.

If all else fails, if it is really the end, then you have the option to walk away from your marriage. Just think it out first -- how you will manage financially, where you might live, what you will do all day every day while living alone.


p.s. I never quite understand divorce this late in life. It really hurts my heart to think two people managed to live and somewhat respect each others territory for years... then just when life gets to the freedom point. BOOM! Even when that freedom could mean living together but doing your own thing. You don't have to be tied together 24-7 post-retirement.

I do know a few women at church who lived pretty miserably in marriage and love their retirements -- living alone, divorced, is better, they love crafts and women's groups, and life did get better. BUT I do wonder how many are miserable, more miserable, post-divorce.

Question
by: Seen one

Do you think he might have some kind of dementia?

Always the Hubby’s Fault????? Yeah, right!
by: John A / Tyler, TX

I am sensing other things going on and it sounds like both you and your hubby are "Inert"; not just your hubby. What ever "Inert" really means in your posting?

It took the two you 30 years to get to this stage in life. It will take the two of you to get out of the rut. Take responsibility for your part of the decline in the relationship and the hubby for his. It isn’t all your hubby’s fault. Remember, when you start pointing fingers for fault, there are three more pointing back at you.

Perhaps your other half may need testosterone treatment since he sounds depressed. Sexual dysfunction only adds to this depression and he may feel " is this what retirement has all to offer"? Maybe he is feeding off of you in the way he responds. Only you know.

It’s your choice to do / not do anything about things. You’ve done your part for letting things happen, just as your hubby has done.

No sympathy from this side of the Internet.

How to deal with your husband
by: Elisa/Chandler

I don't mean to be harsh but from the sound of your post, you are in a very difficult and unhappy situation that I doubt will get any better.

If you are able to support yourself (and your son, if he is not an adult) you should split from your husband, divorce him and enjoy the remainder of your life without him.

If you are not able to support yourself, perhaps counseling will help?

Wishing you the best with your inert spouse.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Marriage in Retirement.....