Lazy spouse

by Hunter

My husband retired 3 years ago, has gained over 100 lbs and watches a lot of TV and on computer. Since he retired he doesn't want to do things he did when he was working. He used yo work out, bike, and walk. Now he can hardly walk without huffing and puffing. He will wash dishes and did cut grass on our riding lawnmower, but it broke and he won't call someone to fix it.

His sleeping habits are horrible and I can't remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. He's up for 2-4 hours every night, gets on computer or watches tv. Then he sleeps off and on all day.

When I tried to discuss this with him, he got irate and threatened to end our marriage. We've been married almost 40 years and I thought retirement would be fun, as we both like the same things.

I do everything, I've let things go for days hoping he'd pitch in, but no. All his friends thinks he's a great guy, they have no idea.

Now he wants to hire someone to do outside work so he doesn't do it. We have more than enough money, but I don't want to give it away.

He's pre diabetic, but his doctor lIkes his other numbers, so he is not on anything. Both his dad and brother suffered heart attacks, but he thinks he's immune.

I can't discuss this with any of my friends because they all want me to leave him from an affair he had 5 years ago. It was a horrible time, he went through a midlife crisis and put me through hell.

I still love him, but each day it breaks my heart alittle.

I can't go see a counsellor as he knows most of them and when we went 5 years ago all he did was lie and they believed him.

I am sure I'm not alone since I've read these posts, I just can't understand why he'd waste his life on TV (and its old shows) and computer games. Meets a very intelligent guy and I thought retirement would be different than this.

What can I do, I'm very sad that he's wasting his life.

Comments for Lazy spouse

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Lonely and want an email friend
by: Rosemary

Hi
I sympathize with you. To some extent I feel the same way as you do. My husband retired some years ago and he has just got lazier and lazier and I end up doing everything despite the fact my health is not good. His only pleasure seems to be watching TV and eating and he is very overweight and could do with some exercise.

He has no friends and no hobbies and expects me to be his whole source of interest. I am quite independent at 71 and spent years as a single parent and keeping down a job as an English teacher.

I enjoy reading and walking and sometimes feel trapped and would like more time on my own instead of being tailed round the house by a husband who doesn't know what to do with himself except eat.
Possibly depressed
by: Laura in Vermont

Your husband has some signs of possible depression. His sleep habits are changed and he's half upside-down on when he sleeps, right? He's eating more, clearly, and his get up and go has got up and went somewhere. He isn't motivated to do simple things like arrange to fix the mower.

He sounds like the kind of guy that thinks he has to tough out things on his own, so I don't know if he'd go to the doctor about this. There isn't much else you can do from the outside of his head, except try occasionally to encourage him to do something other than sit on the couch or in front of a computer. Compliment and/or thank him when he does something for you, let him know he's needed.

But at a guess, your husband may feel he isn't worth anything now that he's retired so he gets depressed. He may even believe that's what retirement is. It happens to men rather a lot when they retire. And sadly, their wives sometimes leave rather than get dragged down.
Whose life are you living?
by: Anonymous

Yours or his? You are not happy with him. He sounds disinterested in you. Life is short. Do you.
Married to his twin
by: Your Name/Location

I wish i had answers for you, but my situation is the same, except we aren't as financially secure. Hopefully we stay active ourselves, finding ways to do what we enjoy in the company of others. I am learning I have absolutely NO control over others, but am fully responsible for making decisions for myself.

Just know, you are NOT alone.

Decide what YOU want to do, and DO IT,
Lazy Spouse
by: Anonymous

Hello,

I feel for you. You are NOT alone by a long shot. My hub has always been lazy. He says he works a lot so he doesn't need to work when he gets home. (I'm talking about picking up his own socks not build a shed.) I finally decided to hire people to do the jobs he refuses to do. Just do it. You can't take the money with you.

He is in a midlife crisis, including infidelity at the moment.

We will be married 30 years next week and I just found out it's been going on for 2 years. Heartbreaking. I know how you feel/felt.

I feel since we've been partners for so long, we can work it out. He has broken off all contact (hopefully). Only time will tell.

As far as your husband goes, gently suggest a yearly doctor's visit and go with him. Tell the doc that he's depressed but don't let him hear you. Something physical as well as emotional is off. Are you religious? Maybe go for a walk after dinner. Live in the now.

That'll make you feel better, at least.
He sound like he's in a funk. Take care of you. I sympathize. Good luck.
Not Lazy just depressed
by: Anonymous

I suspect you are both equally unhappy and wasting your lives. Moving on is difficult and expensive but perhaps should be considered

Good luck
Bruce
lazy
by: Anonymous

you cannot change someone else/ go make your retirement enjoyable and sleep in another room so ypu feel well and have energy.
A Beginning
by: Understanding you a bit/Easy Coast

Only my opinion - go by yourself to a counselor of some kind, LPC, LMHC, LCSW, PSY D, someone!

Start there, with yourself, taking care of yourself.
That's all you can do.

You can't "fix" somebody if they don't want to fix themselves, but you can and deserve to help yourself feel better.

Then see where it goes...
That's my opinion.
lazy spouse
by: mildred/tn

If u decide to divorce, see a lawyer to see how to divide properties etc and what your rights might be, and if u decide to stay and try to work it out which is very hard and no end to it,but u can sleep in another bed room to ignore the snoring,u can join a team of walkers or exercise( mine was w/ a church to exercise)make your own friends to go to movies etc if husband won't go,U have to make your own choices as your husband is now-do not put your self on a guilt trip

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