Lonely, frustrated, and in pain

by Donna
(West Virginia)

My husband and I are both retired. Seven years ago we built a house on 77 acres of wooded land in the middle of nowhere which is my husband’s hometown (population 2,500). At the time it was appealing.

However, my main concern was access to medical care – an hour away to any specialists. Before we could move I developed serious healthcare issues and now suffer chronic pain.

It’s a beautiful home. We built what we had dreamed of. But I grew up in the city, and have lived all my life in the city, and had no idea what it would feel like being stuck on that hill. I don’t know what I was thinking.

You can’t see a neighbor. There are no meadows or fields. Just dark woods everywhere. The house sounds hollow and empty and I’m interested in finishing it up, or decorating. So please don’t suggest it. I don’t like it and I stopped going. But my husband goes every month and stays for 10 days.

You can’t live in two places, at least I can’t. If you have houseplants or pets, or you just don’t manage constant change – it doesn’t work.

The house and his absence have become extreme points of contention. He’s on his way back right now. I feel stressed. We have a good marriage, solid and loving. But retirement, the house, and my chronic pain (six years now) have put huge strains on us. We are seeing a counselor.

I would welcome ANY kind of views. When my pain came I lost interest in living. So I can easily identify with some of the articles I’ve read on here – people struggling with emptiness and loneliness. Not prepared for what retirement would bring. No one did mention healthcare issues though. Or a house in the country that they no longer want. A partially absentee husband. HELP!

I NEED HELP! HELP! Lonely, frustrated, and in pain.

Comments for Lonely, frustrated, and in pain

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by: Barb in Florida


A wise pastor once told me that "The secret of life is to be content, no matter what your circumstances are".

You long for what you cannot have, which is making you miserable. In addition, you seem to have resentment towards your husband. He is not your answer, you are.

You sound highly depressed, and in my humble opinion, you should see someone who can prescribe some serotonin meds, like a psychiatrist.

Living in the country has its advantages. But you are so mired in negativity right now, that nothing seems right.

I pray you will find a good doctor.

Good Luck
by: Dave in Michigan

I wish I had good advice for you but I don't. Perhaps your husband should read your post.

by: Anonymous

Have you access to try CBD oil for pain ? It's a derivative of marijuana, but with no 'high', just pain relief and sleep help.

I feel for you both. Your hubby is living his dream. But you feel lonely and miserable in the hinterlands.

Could you go for long weekends with him? Is it close enough that he can bring you back after 3 nights?

Do you have any interest in going with your husband to flea markets or buy furniture from your local buy and sell?

I think ten days is too long for him to be gone, personally. A friend of mine and her husband have a cottage, he goes up for 3 nights every two weeks. She goes up for a week every month.

Some kind of compromise in the schedule will hopefully be made. It doesn't sound good right now. Do you have pets that can go up there with you?

A lot more has to be done to manage your pain. Have you seen a pain specialist, or attended at pain clinic?

Hugs to you. Our new lives take quite some time to find or feet and a lot is unexpected!

I know the feeling
by: Terri

You described what my husband and I will go through. We now have two homes, one in a city and one in nature away from a big city with good healthcare.

He wants to retire and move just to this cabin. I know before we even retire that the cabin is GREAT when you want to get away from the city we now live in, for a long weekend, but like you we can’t afford both places.

It will be so isolating once we move up there full time. But my view is that we will do this for short term and even HE will see it’s not sustainable. He may think it’s what he wants but I doubt he will like being this isolated.

i hate to say it but if for some reason he does NOT come to that conclusion, I will simply visit my friends and family in my hometown city for large periods of time.

I don’t believe you can sacrifice, nor should you sacrifice your well being. We all know where we fit in, Find that place.

Moving forward
by: Abbyavz

Discuss with your husband of your unhappiness and frustration, perhaps you can reconsider moving to another location where health services are closer to get to, and more to do.

Hope this helps, and good luck.

Still learning
by: Elizabeth , West Virginia

I suppose I worked too long, most of our writers are so much younger than me. Did not retire until I was 81, but had to continue to work to pay the bills.

Understand the loss of identity, I was in the same field for 37 years. Thought I knew how I would spend my days, but soon learned that there was no interest in an 81 year old with a cane. So had to look elsewhere to keep me busy, found the answer in an old hobby.

Had done charity knitting for years, first for deployed troops and now school age children. It gives me a feeling of purpose, gets me out of the house 2 days a week, plus new friends in local knitting groups. Now there is a need for knitted pieces for victims of this California fires.

Dont give up, dig deep to find what will give you that feeling of purpose, it may surprise you.

Be strong
by: Keli muli

Everyone makes mistakes in way of decisions ,but one can cross bridges only when they come to them.

now that you are there, quantify your strength and express the same with your Dear Darling Husband in a way you know BEST,

He cares and will read you ,that way he will fend for yo, ,knowing that will strengthen him as the team leader for your both times in retirement ,at the hill or Home-Place (Town metropolitan Grounds)10 ,20 ,30 ,40 ,,,,,years.

Wishing you All Strength. Be strong.

by: Mary Ellen

My takeaway from your post is that you are overwhelmed right now. I have been in your emotional shoes a few times in my life, and I strongly suggest that you prioritize your issues and take them one at a time.

I would start with pain management, since chronic pain makes everything seem worse than it actually may be, and it is very difficult to focus on anything else when dealing with pain.

You are seeing a counselor, which will hopefully help you sort out your feelings and decide on a plan of action, if needed.

I hear so much urgency in your words, but I have learned that very few circumstances require such urgency. One of the most important things I learned in counseling was to let go of an imposed timeline and to accept that as I changed my perspective I would be able to change my circumstances, which I did (divorced, started a career, moved,etc.)

I wish you the best of luck!

You are not alone
by: Nan

We have a farm with 40 acres and live elsewhere. My husband spends a lot of time taking care of it in the summer. But unlike your husband, he comes home every night.

We actually spend a lot of time together since retirement. I feel for you with the house you no longer want, nor your husband being gone 10 days at a time.

I am sorry for your chronic pain. Health problems can be so debilitating.

Thank God for others here who are going through the same things we are.

Lonely and in Pain
by: Elnaa Nugent, Mass.

Dear Lonely and Frustrated,

If you could see a counselor regularly that is just for you alone, your life could change. Your doctor may be able to help you find one.

Seeing someone regularly , even weekly, with whom you can speak your mind, can help so much. Even getting to know people who are in your similar circumstances can also be helpful.

Speaking your mind here at the Retirement Community can also put you in touch with others who understand what you are going through.

Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. But please see a counselor of your own, weekly.

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