Missing my sons

by Sandy

I am wondering if I am odd or whether others have experienced this feeling as well, but I really miss my children.

They are both close to 30 years old (one is married, one is not) and I have no grandchildren. They live in the same city. I am married, but have little close family around.

My problem is I want to spend lots of time with my children and connect with them regularly. Of course, I know this is not possible - they have their own lives and work full time. But given they are men and I am their mom, there is not much we can do together.

I will go hiking or out to dinner, but they rarely if ever call (someone told me this is typical of sons, but not daughters).

I guess I keep thinking of the "cats in the cradle" song and thinking of it as being true. I know I need to move on to the next stage of my life after retirement, but am wondering if I am expecting too much.

I would appreciate hearing how others have addressed this, if at all.

Comments for Missing my sons

Click here to add your own comments

How about a weekly family dinner?
by: Mike

I think the post says your sons live in the same town. I am a son who is 50 and my parents are 72 and 81. I live 2 hours from my parents, and do keep in touch, but not often as I would like.

When I was younger, many families live in closer proximity to each other, and would often have a weekly family dinner. Also, have small gatherings for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.

I find my parents won't visit unless they're "invited", although they expect me to invite myself (because they assume I'm too busy.) So, invite those kids over.

And, I was just thinking that you could also volunteer to be a foster grandparent or with Big Brothers/Big Sisters and share the love you want to give.

Thank you
by: Sandy

Thank you all for sharing your personal stories and especially for giving me a broader perspective.

It is certainly hard to let go of that part of parenthood where your children are with you and dependent on you. But that part of life is over.

I will take all the advice given and again want to extend my appreciation for helping me.

missing your kids
by: Sherry Wilmington, NC

God gives us these souls to care for, love, and
raise to be productive citizens, but they do not
belong to us. They are their own person with thoughts of how they will conquer the world.

They do remember where they came from, I believe
they do. Maybe sometimes they think of their
parents and things we did for them when they were growing up. My son has a good heart and he is a caring person. I believe this part of him allows him to keep in touch with me.

My daughter is not made this way and I never hear from her. I asked her one time if we could talk once a week and that never happened not even once a month. I know nothing about her life. I know she works and where.

I have done my best always and I never felt guilty.

out of state mom
by: donna in ky

I have 2 grown kids that are out of state, their in ohio me I'm in ky, I worry about them but they don't keep in touch as much as I would like.

my son only gets in touch with me when he wants me to know something, every few months, no grandkids and my daughter calls, son 28 almost 29 yrs old daughter 3.

respect is one thing I know their lacking especially my son, but now adays I hear this is common, but I don't believe it should b this way. i feel like I'm the only one in this situation but I know I'm not.

I miss my son
by: Linda in Iowa

I think it is very natural to miss our children, whether they are sons, daughters, grandchildren, etc. My son lives in another state and I now only get to see him once or twice a year for a few days at the very most. He rarely calls, rarely texts, rarely emails, but I know that he loves me as much as I love him.

Yes it is difficult to give up out children when they become adults. We have to keep busy and we have to constantly remind ourselves that they love us and that it is healthy for them to be busy with their lives.

We raised them for the world, and now it is their time to live independent of us.

Sons and daughters not keeping in touch
by: Sherry Wilmington, NC

Hi, I have a son and he is married and has 2 sons. They live in the same town as me, boy am I lucky. I see them every week. I am retired and help out
whenever they need me.

I took the grans to church this am and then to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts!!. We went to the park afterwards and then to Toot's (they call me Toot) house for watching a TV show and playing. It is truly a blessing having them nearby!

My daughter lives 3 hours away and I never hear
from her! It hurts terribly and I have tried to talk to her about her absence, but she doesn't have much to say. I pray about it!!

She doesn't want to have a relationship with her mom.

Missing your sons
by: Anonymous

Hi Sandy, just to give you some perspective, I've been lucky to be married to the love of my life and best friend for 40 years but we didn't have children (it just didn't happen and before we knew it, it was too late to pursue).

My immediate family was very small, Mom and Dad, one sibling, my sister, one neice and one nephew. Sister divorced their father but has been with her life mate ever since. Dad died first. Then sister moved away when the recession hit followed by her son and his family. My niece lived close enough to see on occasions in NY, was divorced, had 3 brain tumor surgeries and succumbed from brain cancer at age 38 leaving her only child, a 7 year old son. Mom just died this past February.

I never felt so alone in my life. My husband and I are so sorry we didn't have children.

My advice to you is to continue to be in your son's lives regardless of their distance toward you. You will not regret it. And who knows, things change and you may get closer as life goes on.

I'm alone, just me and my husband. I'm afraid now if anything happens to him. Everyone left my life in a series of deaths and moves.

You're lucky to have 2 sons nearby. I should be a grandma by now. I see everyone's joy from their grandchildren and I feel so sad. You still have that joy in your life.

Be strong and don't give up the relationships with your son's. I wish I had family nearby.

lived it
by: Rose Raintree Arlington Wa.

This is pretty typical of most sons. I have 4 and for years thought and prayed we would be close. However, that has not happened.

I am 72 and my first 3 son's have no contact with they are 55, 50, 48 and all live over 3000 miles from me and have made no effort to maintain contact. My youngest son is 39 and lives two miles from me and if I see him once a month for 10 min it is amazing.

Thankfully I enjoy his daughter and have since her birth and she is now 7 and while do not see her as often as I did before she started school I still do and love those times.

All I can tell you is make every effort to build a life that makes you happy. We raised our son's and that time is over and my mother said this once and I found in working with many as an RN that for the most part it is true.

"A son is a son until he takes a wife.
a daughter is a daughter all of her life".

And my son's have proved this out and while my daughter in law who is married to my youngest son sees her parents every day and will not move further than a few miles from them.

If we spend our lives waiting for our son's I am afraid you will get to the end of it and find you missed your life.

I chose not to do this and today live my own life and enjoy every minute and if my son comes by fine and if he doesn't I just pray he is happy and well.

Count your blessings
by: Anonymous

Count your blessings.

I have 2 adult daughters. One is in severe financial distress and I have tried to help her but can no longer afford to do so. It hurts me to see her struggling so.

The other is mentally disabled and I have to drive her to all of her appointments, shopping etc. Because of her disability she has very few friends, one to be exact and that is a tenuous relationship.

I am 66 with a serious health problem and fear for her welfare when I am gone as nobody else will have anything to do with her. I know it hurts not to see your sons more often but I'd trade places in a heartbeat.

Suggestion: maybe you could invite them for a meal at your place?

I know exactly what you mean
by: Wendy/ Alberta

Hi, I have 2 sons in their 30's as well & no grandchildren.

My strategy has been to practice mindfulness meditation to calm myself down. I also take online art classes which is fun for me. I am walking a lot which has improved my health, but...

I am still lonely for my sons, to hear them laugh, to share a memory, to talk about what to do about small day to day problems. My husband misses them too, but says to leave them alone.

If I follow that advice I don't hear from them for long stretches. I am happy that they are managing fine in this world & are good people.

Maybe this is just the way things are and will be.

missing adult kids
by: mildred/tn

I have been retired 24 years and keep daily contact w/3-my adopted son is at home w/ me, 2 live in same town and we do daily checks to see if everything is ok, another one is working 10 hr/7 days/week right now an I send messages of encouragement to his phone.

3 are in their 50's but we still keep close contact and tell each other that we love them. It is habit to check on them. I like to hear what they are doing. Their father took on his 3rd wife's kids and now that she has died her kids have gone also. He is trying to connect back w/ his.It is turning out to be hard..

About your sons
by: Elna Nugent, Lenox, MA

Dear Sandy:

Do you ever contact them using E-mail or phone?

If they are still single and you are expecting them to call you, that may be unrealistic. They are at a time of life when they are probably at their busiest. If they know that you feel a need to stay in touch with them, they may be quite willing.

If once a month , you could meet them (or one of them at a time) and offer to take them out to lunch in order to catch up on their lives, that would be great.

Showing a sincere interest in their lives and how they are doing is important. If you do meet them, be prepared to listen intently more than talk. Ask questions. If they see and feel your interest , they may want to see you more often. Smiles of appreciation on your part can work wonders.

And if they find that you are fun to be with, they will want to see you more often.


Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Family Matters.