Retired husband driving me crazy

My husband and I have been married 46 years and we both have always worked full time. He retired last year and I started working at home due to Covid.

My husband has never been one to help with anything around the house and the only thing he does is mow lawn when weather is warm.

He stays up till all watching tv, nosing on Facebook and sleeps till 11 or 12. Because I am home, he wants me to fix him breakfast or lunch which I don’t have time to do with 30 minute lunch break. I have asked him over and over to just eat what he normally would.

-- He refuses to help with dishes, last week I left dirty dishes in sink for 3 days, just to see if he would take care of them.

-- He won’t do laundry, vacuum or dust, I do all grocery shopping and errands.

-- Bill paying and finances are also all my duties along with cooking on grill which most men do.

He hates computers and refuses to learn how to navigate around on one. He takes responsibility for nothing and if he can’t find something, it’s always my fault. He is so lazy, hateful, verbally abusive that I am having lots of gastrointestinal problems along with sky high blood pressure even with meds.

I know this has been an adjustment for him but I feel like he is taking it out on me. He has always been verbally abusive and for a few years even physically abusive. He screams and yells at me all the time, throws things and has tantrums like a child.

He has been so cranky and rude to our grandkids that I doubt if they will be back to visit anytime soon. He tells me to shut the F up in front of them.

I am so stressed and depressed that I am thinking of asking if I can start working back in the office.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Comments for Retired husband driving me crazy

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Be a therapist if not look for one
by: Ruth

It's a pity that your husband has got into depression so fast. It's also good that you have talked it out, try to search for a family therapist online is going to help you. Don't force him to do anything for you because the situation might become worse for you, my sister.

You can become your the first therapist and try it yourself. Plan for a walk, a special place away from home or think of a good place to go.

Talk about the life before and after retirement including what he is missing.

In so doing, you will be digging a lot from him as well as getting the solution.

Otherwise, There's no marriage which can stand without love.

OMG - Get out of there!
by: Anonymous

If all is as you stated... get out of there. You're not getting anything at all from your current life. Leave him.

My Dad
by: Anonymous

My dad was always verbally abusive. My mother was the house slave even though she worked and raised seven kids, kept a garden and did EVERYTHING at home. Even when my dad retired he became more verbally abusive to my mom.

She took it and it killed her, heart attack from stress. He lived another 15 years, remarried another house slave and died at 90.

People like this do not change. They just find willing victims who put up with them or kids that cannot escape it.

I felt so bad my mom lived like this but my cousin clarified it for me, Your mom chose this life! And I guess she did. Either you can live with this awful person or save yourself and leave. I would choose leaving.

What a situation!
by: Wee-zer

Your husband needs a serious wake up call.

Have you thought about a separation? If you can afford it, maybe you can get a small apartment and move out. Or maybe your children have a room you could temporarily move into. No one should live like that.

Your husband is a bully and after all these years, good luck fixing him. If you move out and he has to face life alone and no one at his beck and call 24/7, then maybe that might wake him up.

Otherwise you are going to face more of the same and live in fear of him hurting you. These things escalate over time. I do not see any future improvement in your bully husband.

He needs to do something! A part-time job, a hobby, do some grocery shopping, clean the house, go to a gym, anger management classes!

Good luck, hope things work out, but, you have to make the first step.

Dangerous situation
by: Nancy

His abuse will probably escalate. You are in danger. Contact your local domestic violence organization.

When a person is in a situation like this, people are always saying, "well why don't you move out". That's what some even counselors would say. But the solution is never that easy!

A domestic violence center in your area can offer you support and help you with your particular situation.

Serious situation
by: Learning at home

This sounds like a miserable situation for you and probably for your husband, too.

I, too, am in the throes of adjusting to a husband who is around the house most of the time, but mine will do those household things and more.
Never would I have thought THIS would be a problem!

So here's my comment: as a "first aid" measure for your mental health, go online and search "warmlines" in your state.

You can call and talk with a trained person, free and anonymously, as much and often as you need. They can offer resources for you in your location.

It's a band-aid but will give you a little outlet to help.

Your feelings and stresses are real and reasonable. You are not alone in this.

I hope you feel better soon!!!!

Therapy - Therapy - Therapy
by: Michael - Sunny and Warm Venice Florida

It sounds like your husband is bored and depressed. But, I am more concerned that he is verbally abusive, won't help out, and treats you like a door mat.

He doesn't respect the needs for boundaries since you work at home. He needs therapy and you need couples therapy. If he won't go, go yourself.

Yes, being together now all of the time, especially during COVID is stressful for many couples. And, we are learning that we might not even like our spouses.

But, don't stay in a marriage where you are not loved, valued, and appreciated.

Get the help you need and find out if you want to stay or move on.

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