Retirement Humor

by Tom Damron
(Plano, Texas)

Over the years I've collected a few quips and barbs about retirement. Rather than keep them to myself, I thought I'd share a few with you to use with friends and relatives whether they are retired or approaching the magic years.

Here we go----

My friend George, told me only last week, "I'm not 80, Tom. I'm just 28 with 52 years' of experience."

Some people think that growing old is like being penalized for a crime you haven't committed.

My neighbor Ed tells me, 'I don't drink anymore; I get the same feeling from standing up quickly."

And Groucho Marx once said, "Anyone can get old, all you have to do is live long enough." I believed him!

You Are Probably Retired If....

You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

Funny Retirement Sayings (May Be Suitable for Appraisals)

He would be out of his depth in a sidewalk puddle.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This man has delusions of adequacy.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but she only gargles.

When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

If My Body Was a Car - The Effects of Retirement

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull

... But that's not the worst of it:

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with black and blue lines and splotches.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it:

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter: either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

Finally, I'll leave you with this story of an old favorite. When W.C. Fields, the actor, was in his later years, he was seen at the studio by a close friend where he sat reading the Bible. The friend demanded to know what he was looking for in the Bible.

Without looking up, Fields murmured, 'Loopholes, dear boy, loopholes.'

I wish you luck in finding your loopholes.

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