Retirement: I am a miserable wretch

by Soky
(Fajardo, PR)

Hi everyone, my name is Soky and I am 66 years old. I retired from the Department of the Navy after 37 wonderful years. I am and have always been a city girl since I wss born in New York City and my last 10 years of employment were at Tampa, FL.

A few months before retiring, my ex-husband asked me to marry him and due to all the stressors I wss going through, I said yes and took a flight that same day to Puerto Rico.

I have been here for a year since we married and am the most miserable retiree in the world.

My days consist of getting up, having breakfast and watching TV or the computer. After cleaning the small house there is not much for me to do. He works and there is only one car, so I am in the house 24/7.

I thought that my retirement years would be full, happy, maybe a little traveling, spending time with my children. But I am here.

I take Valium to sleep during the daytime and Trazodone during the night. Sometimes I take two so that I can sleep all day.

I am so unhappy, oh my goodness, why did I do this I am so lonely and don't dare just take off and leave because I know divorce is a sin. Am I able instead to separate and live in the States while he lives in the country? He is adamant about going to Florida even though we had talked about him visiting.

Can someone please help me? I am desperate. I am drinking wine almost daily and just want to die. I thank anyone that can take a little time to talk to me.

Thank you. Soky

Comments for Retirement: I am a miserable wretch

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You make your own life ....
by: Anonymous

For God,s sake. Stop crying soky ....

You know better ... No matter what ...
You are the one who is making your own life ....
If you don't do anything and sitting there crying loud .... No one will do anything for you.

Think think. Think ... What is the best thing you can do to make yourself happy.

Then get up and do it do it ........make .yourself happy

A friend from Canada.

Felling Wretched
by: Soky

To all my wonderful friends who took the time to write your encouraging words, and to Wendy for providing this blessing.

I want to let you know that I have taken your advices and decided that life is too short for me to waste it.

I spoke to my husband and we came to the agreement that I would return to Florida and continue living the lifestyle that I missed so much, and would visit him a couple of times a year.

He is 70 and loves his chickens and hens and country living, and saw how unhappy I am. I thank God that this has made me so happy that I got rid of the Valium, Baclofen and am attempting to quit drinking white wine.

You, my friends, have no idea how blessed I am having you to talk to.

Wendy, I will follow your advice, go home and volunteer, there is so much work to do.

God bless all of you, I thank God for you and please, always consider me your friend.

Florida, here I come!

by: anonymous

O, my dear one! It is obvious to me that you need a reason to get up in the morning. Can you not tell your husband just how very miserable you are? Surely he loves you if he asked you to remarry him.

I pray that you and he can come to a compromise.

Maybe the answer is for you to live in Fl. for 6 months and in his house in porto rico for 6 months. I am assuming you got pensioned out , so you have money to come and go as you please.

Please don't give in and give up. Go visit with your kids and Grandkids! Volunteer in a school. you must have a wealth of stories to tell.

Please let us know what you decided.

Miserable at Retirement
by: Carol, Meadville, PA


Is there anywhere you could walk to as a volunteer to help any association?

You need something physical and mental to stimulate you so you stop taking those drugs! If you are tired and happy in the evening you will find a natural sleep and happiness.

Just my thoughts. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Make a change and fast
by: Elna Nugent

Your future health and well being may depend upon your making a change and the sooner the better.

Does your husband know how you feel? Would he give you a hard time if you found yourself a job that might actually be fun for you?

Your experience and sharp mind could be a boon in work or volunteering that requires your discipline and smarts.

Are you isolated without a car? I hope not. All your years of
experience and hard work should be leading you to a life where you have work that gratifies you at the same time it is of help to others. Please make a change in your daily life and make it fast.

Blessings to you both, Elna

Thinking of you
by: Jaycee, merseyside, england

Oh Soky, your letter has touched my heart, I have just retired and am feeling lost too, but not as badly as you do.

Are there no hobbies you could take up round that area? I took up line dancing as it is something you can do on your own, it was hard at first, going on my own, but I have met new friends and I am going to sewing classes with one of them now. I know you may feel so down now that it's hard to take that first step, but please try, you cannot go on taking Valium and drinking to get through the day.

If you feel you can't do this then for your own sake you must go back to where your friends are, I m sure God would forgive you, there is no need to get divorced, I live on my own (I'm a widow) but I have lived in the same area all my life.

Please take some comfort from the thought that I am thinking about you, I am also thinking about doing some voluntary work, perhaps that could be an option for you.

More IDEAS for just living
by: Phillip Denise is in sunny, sub-tropical Southwest Georgia

SOKY; Wendy is absolutely spot-on with her comments/suggestions; you should 'adopt' her as LifeCoach; I have ideas about things you could start doing as well... like finding a NAMI-affiliated group in your vicinity (just google NAMI); also, you should go see a live performance at a real theater near you, or a rousing concert; try buying a digital camera & posting photos of your lovely surroundings at our Retirement-Online Community website (we welcome your contributions); make a daily plan to visit an open-air produce market you can walk to(buy from at least one vendor, and ask for local recipe for cooking up your purchase; I have many more ideas like these, so please join Retirement-Online Community, & contact me

by: Retd. Prof. Durgeshkumar srivastava, C-3, Janakpuri, New Delhi-58, India

Dear lonely retiree,

Wendy has given you good advice and guidance. Do what she says .... go out and soak in the sun ... enjoy nature and its wonders. Adopt a dog, even if you dont bring it into your home. You can feed it when you see it. Gradually, it will befriend you.

You are already a member of Actively participate in the ongoing activity on this site. You will love it. You can also consider joining some other social media groups such as face book and twitter.

When you are on facebook, find my page ( ) and read some of my stories. DKS,11 Feb,15

Hi Soky
by: Charlotte

I don't understand why you say that it would be a sin to divorce. If he was your ex-husband you must have divorced him once already. Why live in such misery?

by: Elayne/Mi

Why aren't you traveling/visiting your kids? As a military/government retiree you must have benefits available to you that many retirees don't. Check out Armed Forces Vacation Club for low cost vacations. Take your children and their families along with you.

And I would follow Wendy's advice and really began to appreciate the tropical setting of Puerto Rico!

Sometimes you have to own up to the mistakes you make and choose to correct them or live with them.

Good luck to you because no one deserves to be so unhappy in retirement.

Soky's story
by: Carolyn

Soky - it sounds like you are suffering clinical depression - I do hope you are seeing a doctor.

I have been going through the first seriously intense and long clinical depression 7 months after I retired and my sister got ill. I am 63 and never though this would happen to me. I loved my life up till the depression came - the brain is ill - and needs to be taken care of.

Please see a doctor - maybe some antidepressant medication although it might take a few to find the one for you. I know how you feel - believe me.

As you breathe
by: Anon.

While you breathe start praying for others. You sounded as though you might be Roman Catholic and there are many prayers you could use regularly. I also had a request by e-mail the other day to pray for a cure to cancer.

When you begin to feel better there might be volunteer jobs you could do, particularly to help children.

I get it, I do.....but don't. And above all remember: You are a WONDERFUL person, NEVER doubt your goodness!!!
by: Anonymous

Hi, I get it I do. I know your pain, it feels like so awful and painful to the point of unbearable. You will make it. I wasn't ready to retire and I remarried my x as well. I have been so miserable.

I finally tried differant things, PT work and quit. I volunteer at a care center. I read to the elderly and do sensory for them. A lot of these folks are in a shell and some have no one to talk to or visit them.

It took alot to get me out of bed in the morning just to go there. Its easy to medicate, to sleep, (normal for a lot of us retired people I'm told) wonder what is normal.

Maybe this helps you, I hope because I want to bring you hope. YOU ARE SO worthly of everything blessing and there are many coming your your eyes, breath in good thoughts! Make your life happen in baby steps because you are on a slow moving journey and you can set the pace any way you choose.

Don't give up please. Ask yourself this every day. Do I really know how wonderful I am? Answer will become...YES I DO.

I was absolutly miserable, I am Absolutly wonderful, I am.

Blessings to you...Kate

Woman who knows how you feel!
by: Martha - Georgia

So sorry you are unhappy. I am the same age as you. I live in Georgia, USA. Have lived here my whole life with a few years away. Have done a good bit of traveling, road trips mostly.

My first husband was an Army Ranger, and we traveled some. I lived in Ft. Wainwright Alaska - and I felt the same way that you do - so alone and isolated. I had my two children (one was born in Alaska) but I was so lonely. I can certainly understand your feelings.

Hope it gets better for you, or that you get away if you want!

Soky... stop this.
by: Wendy

Oh My Goodness, Soky. You are doing this to yourself... seriously, stop taking the meds and drinking. PLEASE!!

Instead of blinding yourself to life, start to LIVE it. For now, "stuck" in Puerto RIco and clearly not thinking logically, please go outdoors.

Sit in the sunshine somewhere, anywhere, breathe deeplly, over and over to relax your body. Look around you, it must look tropical where you are.. find beauty in your surroundings. Find beauty in every tiny God-given natural setting around you... I am sure there are many. Breathe...

Later, when you come out of this funk you are in... you will think clearly and know which direction you might follow. BUT -- to me, for now, you need to break this horrible pattern of depression and abusing yourself.

If you don't care, nobody will...

Please take care of YOU -- you have lots more living to do!
If only you will step back, breathe, and begin to LIVE again!

p.s. I'd love for you to find new girlfriends there.. but in your current state, that sounds like a huge move for you, nad nearly impossible. so -- breathe.....

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