Upset with Retired Husband

I hate my husband being retired. I retired at 67, him at 58. We had lived apart working in different places visiting every 10 days.

I’m beginning to despise him. He thinks he should sit in the middle of the house (open concept) I hate it. He thinks the dining room table is his office and the kitchen counter is for whatever.

He does not understand I have to do things in a certain order. I keep my weight down, he eats whatever he wants. He buys junk food that I don’t want around the house. I don’t drive here because the traffic is unbelievable.

I’m supposed to tell him what I want from the store. He constantly grocery shops to save money. Nobody is going to eat all this food!

I cry a lot because I just don’t want to have this lifestyle. I was a respected teacher with many responsibilities. He does nothing but vacuum.

He insists he needs a workshop for his things. He has storage rentals with stuff he doesn’t use. I think he’s close to being a hoarder. (His mother is).

I just don't know what to do.

Comments for Upset with Retired Husband

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by: Debi

This arrangement sounds very frustrating. Maybe you should go back to the previous arrangement of living apart and visiting every 10 days.

If that is not an option, some serious communication needs to take place. I think we need to be comfortable in our own living space.

He needs a man cave, or an area of the house that is his so he can be comfortable, but leave the shared living space neat and orderly. If he cannot compromise, I see no reason for you to spend the rest of your life unhappy.

However, as time goes by you may find that the things you love and appreciate about him may outweigh the bad and you may be able to overlook the negatives. But I know you can’t change him.

I hope that he will make the changes himself so that you can both live in peace.

Upset with Husband
by: Jeanne Savelle/Atlanta

You probably don't need to hear this but we can't control other people. You can only control yourself.

You should determine how you want to be in the relationship. How do you want to show up and interact?

You can lead the way, follow, or resist. But resistance only causes tension and stress. Stop stressing yourself out.

Let go of your thinking about what he is doing and start focusing on what you want to do and how you want to be.

You can create a beautiful life and let him be who he is. It might not be easy at first but it gets easier the more you practice.

I understand, wet leaves
by: Compatriot

I read somewhere that Japanese women call their retired husbands "wet leaves" because they are so hard to brush off.

You are not alone!

Some people here may give harsh comments. Please don't let yourself be hurt by them. What we do in retiring as wives who transition from independent working people is not a small easy thing.

I can't say to do this or that or think some way or other. Lots of people will, but I offer you my understanding and wishes for a happier future. It takes time.


(I breathe in through the nose for a count of one, out through the mouth for two, in for two, out for four and so on. Either I calm down, or bore myself, but eventually, I relax and, at least for a short time, forget the rage and frustration.)

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