Went overboard with change

by Rachelle
(Moncton, NB, Canada)

I am 62......when I was 60 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was found early on & after a year was given a clear bill of health. But this got me to thinking about life & what to do with it.

I was not happy working my midnight to 8am job. I was not taking advantage of my big city opportunities - just working & going home. My kids had all moved to other countries & not returning.

I was seeing a guy who wanted to retire & wanted me to retire as well. I was not in love but felt that I owed him since he was by my side through the breast cancer surgery, rehab.

So I thought that if I was going to do a change I would change everything about my life.

Together we both sold our mutual dwellings & bought a nice house complete with pool in another province in a much smaller "hick" town closer to my siblings.
(I was living a nice turn key lifestyle of a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo). This was 6 months ago....

Now I feel absolutely trapped - + great guilt feelings that it was all my idea. Every morning I open my eyes & start to cry because I am facing another day in a house that has become the "money pit" complete with cleaning pool shores all summer & raking enormous amount of leaves in the fall, with a man I do not love & with no job to fulfill me.

I cannot go back to the former city -which I now realize how much I loved- (because the housing market was great to sell but cannot afford to go back). I also feel I cannot leave him since he sold all he had to be with me.

I feel as if I have aged 10 years in the past 6 months. I can feel my health deteriorating.

I am depressed & stuck in this small minded town where there are no outlet for me to go to.

I am trying to volunteer but this as well is not proving to be an easy task.

Forgot to mention that the winters here are longer/colder.......also there are a shortage of doctors & am on a waiting list.

What was I thinking of when I decided to do this???

They say life is about expectation, & I did not have great lofty expectations but certainly had no idea how hard this choice of retiring, plus moving + merging lifestyle would be. If I cannot change things around I am sure that I've managed to shorten my life expectancy.

Totally did not see this coming.....wished I had done my due deligence + found this website before.

My advise to anyone looking to retire......make sure this is what you really want to do

Comments for Went overboard with change

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Went overboard
by: Rose

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. No matter what age we are and lessons hard learned, we are human and will continue to make unwise choices (hopefully less of them) until we stop hurting ourselves in the process.

I echo Susan's comments. Although you care for this man, you are miserable in this situation. There no legal obligations that come with a marriage between you. Life is too short to live as if your imprisioned... time to make your own way, find your own place and take good care of you.

Wish this kind man and wonderful friend well and start anew. I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make. 🌷
Change
by: D

I would be really happy to find someone who would be my best friend and stick with me through the tough times!

I lost the love of my life 6 yrs ago...after 40 yrs. of marriage.

You are really lucky to have this guy. Talk to him about your issues. It sounds like he would really like to make you happy. (Just consider his side of the story.)
Do what's best for you
by: Susan

I don't know if this makes a difference to those that have commented...but everyone is calling the man, 'her husband'. Unless I am missing something, they aren't married. They are companions, and he was wonderful to her when she had her cancer. She has said she is not in love with him. So, does she have to 'stick' with him forever? I don't think so.
ATTITUDE
by: Loyce!

Yes, you are right: Our ATTITUDE shapes our life and our choices determine out outlook. Anger draws ANGER so I TRY to toss out POSITIVE and hope for a good RETURN
Retirement Sucks
by: Shelly/NC, USA

wow, me, too!! I am miserable, lonely and bored to death...I, too, went overboard and left all the familiarity.

I did not love the place I had called home for 35 years, but the comfort of that familiarity was priceless, I now see....I have no companion to turn to, no friends in this area, and have now realized that this town I chose to move to is a Trumpville mecca of uber conservatives!!

Wish I had known that...and my neighbor's 34 year old brat rolled by my house with truck windows down and screamed at me to "take your ass back to Virginia, bitch."

Yep, this retirement sucks.
CHANGE
by: Loyce!

Discussion and negotiation with your husband and then MOVE alone if your husband refuses to budge. Research your future home location
Not All Is Lost - You've Actually Gained
by: John A. / Tyler, TX

Rachelle:

I have been struggling on what to say in response to your post and to find some words of solace.

Ya know, you beat the odds with your cancer by finding it early and getting treatment. Early detection is the key to it all. For that, I am truly happy you were able to get a clean bill of health. When you have your health, you have everything.

But, now is here where I struggle on what to say. You indicated you felt trapped because you felt you owed the man you married because he stayed by your side during your bout with cancer. Yet you say you don't love him. His staying by your side the entire time was a huge act of love and caring on his behalf. He could have easily said adios and left you on your own. However, he didn't do that to you. During the entire time he was there for you. Not only was it love, it is also called friendship.

I think you are selling yourself short on this matter. When we get into our 60s, the passionate love we once experienced in our late teens, 20s and 30s doesn't really exist anymore. Instead, those feelings over time morph into something else that is even more important in our later lives; it's called companionship and friendship. Your feelings of guilt tell me you are a decent lady and DO have feelings for this man.

To be honest with you, I think the attributes of companionship and friendship are being overlooked. You have been given a tremendous gift in life that many women & men in that age bracket never find and end up being alone.

A life being alone can be a difficult. Being alone will definitely shorten life expectancy; which is a concern you mentioned. It's no cake walk living life alone and having no one to come home too. If you think you've aged now, just wait if you live alone. You could end up leaving this world a bitter person. Now that would be a sad thing.

Instead, I feel you have been given a tremendous gift of companionship and friendship by a man who seems to care for you very much. Perhaps you should not look at things from the rose colored glasses we think as "LOVE" and consider the companionship and friendship aspects of life that become more important as we grow older. The love part will follow after that; just in a different way.

I hope this helps. I hope you find happiness and being content with the life. There are certainly worse things than cleaning a pool, raking leaves and living in a hick town. Make the most of life; turn the lemons in life into lemonade.

You're surviving cancer is the first lemon being sweetened. Now sweeten the other lemons you have in the grab bag of life. If you don't like volunteering where you currently do that activity, find another place to volunteer. It's all your choice. You can volunteer anywhere you want.
Overboard
by: Sherry/NC

You went through cancer, difficult, and now you owe it to yourself to be honest!!
Change again
by: Anonymous

It sounds like you didn't do the right thing but all is not lost or over.

Discuss with your husband your feelings. Together you should be able to sell the house and move to a retirement community in a larger (and maybe warmer) city where you guys will not have all the work at the house, you will have less room but you will have opportunities for work and for volunteering and not be tied to the house. He must be a "good" man who cares about you so don't give up on him or your retirement.

(I also am sorry I retired but it's been an interesting trip since then anyway).

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