Don't retire, sell your home of many years, and move to a strange city.

by Marie
(Sabastian)

Hi,

After 34 years working a full time job, I couldn't wait to retire. When I finally did, I sold my home, moved to strange city, bought an apartment, and started fresh new. I did this to be closer to my daughter.

It turned out to be, that I left the big city, where I had many distractions, and fun things to do, and moved to a mid-size city, where life consist of going to church, praying at church, do things with church.

My daughter has her own life, and family, and I am finding myself wanting to make her family my family, waiting for the weekends to come, so that I could go have social gathering with them. I am doing this, but I know it is wrong. I should not make her life my own.

I want to go back to the city but I already expend the money from the sale of my home to buy this new home. I am so lonely!

Days go by, and sometimes all I get to hear is a daily phone call from my daughter. Here I moved to this city thinking people will be more friendly, and my neighbors keep most to themselves. If I happen to catch any of them, they will rush right back into their homes.

I know, I sound like I'm blaming everyone else for my depression, and maybe I am. I just feel so much alone.

Comments for Don't retire, sell your home of many years, and move to a strange city.

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Sorry, but you made a mistake - may be you can still correct it!
by: Anonymous

Marie,

The first mistake you made was to have hopes on your daughter, to sell your home in the city of love and move to the strange city. I am in the same predicament, and have decided NOT to do that mistake.

This is not the generation when you cared for your parents, and did whatever was needed to make them comfortable in their old age, like I did. My parents lived with us and died in our home.

My suggestion...if you can , move back to your old city, where you had all the connections, and reclaim your lost life. if your daughter cares for you, she will come to you and take care of you. Maybe, her children will be in college by then, and she will have no reason to live in her strange city! She might then chose to move to your city and live close to you.

Grandchildren? forget about them...they are the third generation - I call it the lost generation!!

Sorry, if I have disappointed you.
Friends
by: JOYCE

I know how you feel. I saw all my family yesterday as we went out for a meal after the blessing of my grandson and new wife at the local church.

My eldest daughter called in today on her way home, which is miles away, left the dog and went to see her friend for 2 hours.

My youngest daughter never calls to see me. They never ask me how I am what im doing with my life as they are always on there mobile phones or taking there dog for walks.

I am thinking of going into a retirement village so I won't be so lonely. I have a few clubs to go to to meet people but I would like someone to go out and holiday with.

Pity you dont live in the uk now but we can email each other if you wish .
You are not alone...
by: Betsy

You are not alone!

I am sure that statement alone won't help. I have talked to many of my friends who have retired and done just what you did. They spend 3 weeks a year in Florida and when they retire, they sell everything up north and move down there...uprooting themselves from friends, familiarities, and the comfort of their homes without experiencing the hot humid climate, the bugs, the snakes, the lizards, the alligators, the hurricane season. Even some of my Florida friends come up north for the summer and/or for hurricane season!!

Retirement is a HUGE change and to have to experience all the other changing factors can be devastating and very depressing. I don't think it sounds at all like you are blaming anyone for your depression!!

It is very HARD to get used to a new place, let alone all the changes. It's not your fault! You had no idea what it would be like and it sounded like a smart, solid choice to make by moving close to your daughter.

True, everyone has their own lives but it takes awhile to make a life of our own when we are newly retired. After all, we are meeting a whole new 'us' under entirely new circumstances & freedoms.

Have you tried talking to your daughter about how you feel? Not to solve your problem or for pity, just to express yourself??

I, by no means, have an answer for you, but I do have some suggestions. If you have a yard, put out a birdfeeder and/or a birdbath. Watching the birds can be fun and rewarding, plus it can fill many lonely hours. Or go to the pet store and adopt a lonely cat or dog.

Go online and look for some things in your area to do...something you like doing...even if its in the next town over. Maybe you will meet some new people there.

Call some friends back where you used to live and tell them how you feel. Take up a new hobby maybe.

Call a real estate agent and find out exactly what your options might be. Can you put your place up for sale, go back to your original 'home' and rent an apartment?

It is hard to find new friends in an entirely new place. People are not as friendly as they used to be in the 'old days'. They are mostly in a transient fog.

Maybe if you make a habit of going to a local restaurant and having a cup of coffee you will meet some new people and find a good friend. Sometimes too, the waitress or waiter can be of help. They know LOTS of stuff about those towns based on their customers.

I know this isn't much, but my heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to feel all alone in a new place. And how it feels when my family has a life that does not always include me. I am still looking for my new life.

I hope I can find it soon because I feel much the same why you do only under different circumstances. I hope I at least made you feel a little better about not feeling alone. What you have done is NOT a mistake, just a life lesson.

With a little guidance, maybe you can change you situation to a happier place.
I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I wasn't old enough to retire at the time, but my husband and I moved to another state with no house or job to go to. We moved here in the "boonies" to be close to family too.

We both found jobs and our lives were busy and we only had our work and church friends. Meanwhile, we both retired and did a little traveling together. Then he got sick and passed away. What do I do? Had no friends and the family was busy with their things. Had no idea what to do or where to turn.

Then, I had joined the local senior center and that saved my sanity. Have made many friends, gone on trips, enjoyed different activities and my life is full once again. I don't know what I would have done without that lovely group of people in my life.

The weekends are mine to relax and enjoy the peace and quite, but come Monday it starts all over again.
dont give up
by: diane

your story almost sounds like mine. i too retired and moved from the city to a smaller town to be near my eldest daughter. you are so right they have their own life and phonecalls are few and far between. i do some babysitting otherwise i would never see them.

My solution has been to join a board of directors, do volunteer work and meet new people....i don;t miss work so am building myself another life.

good luck and there is more to your town than church.
Better to have rented
by: Anonymous

I have been retired for 11 years now and love Tim of course my husband is still here, We had a second home In a completely different area for the summer but we rented a small place for two summers first, We were lucky and enjoyed it for seven years and then sold, but my first piece of advice to anyone out there is to rent first.
I HEAR U
by: Sharyn~~~CANADA

My own experience ( same situation ) l live 10 min. yes 10 min. walk from daughter & have for 7 yes 7 years- she has come to visit maybe 2-3 times.

Oh sure drop grandkids off - pick grandkids up BUT never stop in to give a hug or kiss on the cheek or how r u this month or week or day! Nope didn't happen...

l mean (daughter) pick them up at the FRONT of the

apt. building not the apt door ~~
l'll never understand!

Wish my mom had been over to visit me as l so often had been to visit daughter & her 2 girls (grand daughters)l feel the times r changing and the times now r not anything like the good old days!

My advice to u is to move back where u came from and carry on with YOUR life, where u were appreciated and welcomed.

And when daughter is ready let her come ( with HER family to visit ) to u, in whatever place u will be living.
selling your home and moving to a strange city
by: Ned

I have been retired for 15 years and it was my desire to move at the time... but after taking a extended vacation at new "home" -- checking what taxes would be and other living expences, also the availabilty of health resources, we found that our dream was only a dream... it was a nice place to visit but happy we have stayed were we are.

If you are able you might try joining many of the volunteer organizations or Clubs or ask to be a mentor at a school or libary does your town have a volunteer group for its police force?

once a few people know that you could be available you could be very busy if your able and you city has a Meals on Wheels group just deliverying a few meals could open a few doors and get to know a few people that would really appreciate a little conversation and again might open up a new interest for you too

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