Finding Oneself

by Ricardo/U.S.A.

I have been posting on this wonderful site that Wendy has established for a number of years now, perhaps five, about a year prior to retiring.

A theme that I continue to see and read on this site is that many individuals either follow their children or grandchildren to areas to be close to them geographically. Well, often times it does not work and they are not happy campers after they have made the move.

In the area that I presently live in, which is a restricted age community, time and time again I speak with people that have moved in order to be close to "family".....MOST, are not happy with the move. Either the wife or husband may be satisfied with the decision, BUT, the other is not.

We all have to realize that once our children have grown and developed their own families, things change, and we have to accept the fact that our relationships with them change as well. They are busy with their lives, and WE have all the time in the world....are worlds do not mesh!

It might be one thing when the grandchildren are little and you can cuddle with them and share precious moments, BUT, as they grow, the basketball, football, and all the other activities that one attends over the years become less and less frequent.

Now, here you are in a place that you probably are not happy with, and your kids have their lives, your grandchildren are developing their lives, and you look at each other and say, "now what?"

We moved to be close to family, we found them, and now, WE are lost. Where do we go from here?

I suppose that this is all part of the natural evolution of families in general, but, so many elders seem to be sooo disappointed with how life plays out in their senior years.....

Ricardo has no answers, JUST, observations.

Comments for Finding Oneself

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May 20, 2022
by: Pat, Delaware

Ricardo, Your posts are great. Always enjoy your perspective on the many subjects you bring up.
Keep writing my friend.

Oct 16, 2017
Finding Oneself
by: Sherry /NC

The 6th Commandment says, Honor thy mother and father so that your days on earth will be long!

God gives us our children, these souls, to raise and care for. They do not belong to us! These souls belong to God!

I have a son and daughter. I see my son and his wife every week and help with the 2 grandsons. My daughter lives in another city in the same state I live in, but chooses not to visit often. This is her choice and I have to accept it. She never calls me.

When I was a young woman my life took me to 4 states to live and work in. I called my parents and visited when I could which was not oftened. I sent cards and gifts and never forgot them, but just could
not be there on a regular basis.

There were times I wished I had never moved away and had stayed close to them so I could visit and help them more oftened.

I did my best and do not have any regrets now that they have passed on. This is what you need to do in order to not have regrets.

Oct 15, 2017
Well Said
by: Char

This comment was moved to it's own page...
too thoughtful to be hidden as a comment!
Thanks Char!

Oct 15, 2017
Finding the sweet spot
by: Peggy/WA

Do agree with your comments! We moved to be closer to 2 of our children and grown grandchild. It so made sense at the time. However, making new friends in the rural area we live in has been difficult.

We are now thinking of moving to an over 55 community in Arizona. We do miss spending time with our children but have found we REALLY miss spending time with our peers.

Oct 15, 2017
What if......
by: Anonymous

I hear you about being closer to kids. We stayed where we are, and our two live in different parts of the same city. It was great when my husband was seriously ill for a couple of weeks, because they were close at hand and very supportive, but for the rest, it's birthdays and Christmas - and often we are the ones being fitted in!

But I think we can be grateful. Our kids are living fulfilled, independent lives, and they know that we are doing so too. While more time with them would be WONDERFUL, we can pat ourselves on the back that they are integrated, contributing members of their communities, and are doing a marvelous job bringing up children in a demanding and difficult world.

We can also be grateful that our lives -at the moment anyway - are so busy. If we ever become very frail, then it might be easier for them to be close so we move when our stuff is beyond our care and enjoyment anyway, but until then, life is great, we have things to do, and so have they.

Oct 10, 2017
That is how it is. . . .
by: Nancy from Texas

I'm glad someone has put it in plain words.

I have felt like I failed as a parent because my kids are too busy for me. It was a different world a generation ago. I spent time with my Mom even though I worked a job, had kids, had a husband and a home.

There is nothing you can do about how it is now. It hurts at times. .. but you have to admit that you accept your grown kids separate lives and that you wouldn't want them to move in with you again. . . BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. LOL!!

I just thought it would be different. Even the grown kids eat differently. . . vegetarians. . .and VEGANS!! Try to cook a meal around that!!! It's not acceptable to bake cookies because they have SUGAR!!! Animal fat, sugar & dairy products are things to avoid.

In fact, nothing that would represent an animal being used or killed is acceptable!! (I am taking a deep breath!!) Why don't we just all graze on grass the next Thanksgiving or Christmas???

I love my kids. . .but at this age of my life (retirement) I thought it would be different.

Hmmmm.. . to think of it. . . IT IS DIFFERENT!!!

Oct 10, 2017
by: Anonymous

Ricardo you are maybe (maybe not) assuming that these people would be happy if they had stayed where they were? But they might not have been happy with retirement not matter where they live!

Oct 09, 2017

by: Wendy

D*&^ RIcardo! You simply ROCK!

All the same observations here... just never put them all together! Great resource for retirees so I put it on it's own page to link from other places on my site.

Thank you!

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