Freedom fought for, Freedom found, Freedom threatened?
by Pamela S
After half my life, 32 years, working in the same agency, I retired last June when the future there was looking gray, the same as far as the heart and eyes could see.
I was suffering physically from the repetitive motions required, mentally from the more or less redundant and limited intellectual challenges, and spiritually from the prospect of more of the same ad infinitum, with no chance of any promotion. This was certainly not the job I chose!
Perhaps I should have kept working, or taken a leave of absence (didn't even think of it!), but I just "had" to get out.
Initially I planned to work to age 70, but my boss of 29 years had been pushed out, I was reassigned, did the new job for 3 years and, after getting through one of the most miserable work periods in my life with a truly nasty new supervisor who finally retired, I climbed back into at least tolerating my daily work.
It was a huge struggle to decide to "retire." That was 7 months ago.
Now I am taking 1 graduate class, but feeling so threatened by the demand it makes on my, MY! time, that I want to quit!
I long wanted to pursue a Master's degree in this topic, but find myself feeling squashed and resentful and afraid I can't perform, or, even if I am capable, perhaps I am actually too lazy to do the work.
I have to choose whether to drop out (after 2 classes) or hang on, "save face," keep my dignity, and go on with another thing that runs my schedule and consumes my time.
I really like the content of the class, find it interesting, but I just don't feel impassioned about spending my precious, hard-won time on it right now.
I wish I could get to a place in my mind where I could relax about it, enjoy it, but so far I have a loud nagging voice inside, "You have to get an 'A'! "You are no good unless you get that degree!"
(And I will be at least 70 by the time I am finished, work the thousands of hours required for licensure IF I pass the exam.) Is it pointless?
Is it just too soon? I thought I was ready! Part of me wants so much to do it, but part is so resistant. Am I just lazy?
Anybody have any ideas? Been here, done this?