Husband won't help

by Tawney Clark
(Bayonne, New Jersey)

I basically took care of my son for many years, and was happy, but since he died in 2012, I have lost my purpose, am home alot disabled, don't go anywhere, my husband still works but will retire soon.

We're both 59, he's been working 26 years. I lost my purpose in life when my son died in 2012 and had to plan his funeral at 22 for him, and not having other children! I feel so lost, so bored, useless, hurt, and don't know what to do now!!!

When my husband is home for a vacation he gets lazy on doing everything, even going to supermarket, which makes me cry now!! Hes so lazy, he ll say oh I'll go tomorrow!!!

I'm hurt, I'm disabled, I'd like to be able to eat and drink!!!! But no, he makes excuses and is too lazy!!!!

I feel real hurt, stuck and very anxious now!!! What do I do????

How do I get him up and push him out the door??? He doesn't want to do anything!!!!!

Comments for Husband won't help

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Sad But True
by: Goldie

Seems to be a common scenario. I feel you and I share the same burden. I feel trapped in a one-sided relationship.

Folks tell me to make a change but that isn't easy when one's health is weak. I pray for you my dear.

Food for thought
by: Jeanne Savelle/Atlanta

Wendy is right that perhaps you should talk with your doctor about depression. Also, being grateful for what you have in your life is important.

You have many more years of wonderful and productive life ahead if you chose.

You might also consider this: the facts of your life as I read them: your son died in 2012, your husband still works, you are disabled (need to be more specific) and you are both 59 years old.

Everything else you mentioned are just thoughts. Write down these thoughts and look at them. Are they useful? Do they help you get where you want to go? Do they reflect who you want to be?

While you may not choose the specific circumstances, you can choose how to think about them. Wendy gave good ideas about groceries for example. You can use your thoughts more creatively if you choose.

Wendy: Oh so true -- "Just Thoughts".

You can use your thoughts more creatively if you choose.

husband won't help
by: natasha

I am so sorry your son died. I am sorry for you pain as well.

Wendy gave you excellent ideas.

But I would like to add an idea. Maybe you could have your groceries delivered. Do you have a credit card? I hope so. It helps order things on line.

Your husband is depressed. He lost his son, and he has to keep working, and his wife is upset and
depressed. Hang on to that man. He is doing more than many.

When your husband won't work ...
by: Bernard Kelly - Geelong

Hello Tawney

I've had a personal experience with something similar to your issue - the ultimate outcome was that my associate established a "ministry" helping other parents with children with addictions (because that's what her son died of).

It wasn't exactly a "ministry" based on religious principles (because she isn't a minister) - it is more a counselling service.

She doesn't have any academic qualifications - instead she spoke from the heart.

She established her first Facebook group using a question that she thought would attract the parents who she thought she could help, and then later added another Facebook group when she discovered more other words that more precisely described what she offered.

To build her credibility, she soon decided to write a book, and then - to build her contact database, she offered to send a chapter to anyone who asked for it. (They obviously had to give her an email address, which she used to send out a regular promotional "newsletter").

And to cover her expenses, she promoted herself only to professional couples - because they could pay her own professional consultancy fees and still be able to afford to pay for support for their addicted children.

let me know how you go



Ideas for Joy
by: Ruth

Tawney, Wendy makes a lot of sense, and it sounds like right when you wrote your piece, you were extremely depressed, but think this.

Nothing stays the same and I can do one thing to help me right now. That was first to write your anxiety, and now you have connected with someone. That is a good thing.

Think about that, and if you need to weep, weep, then wash your face and look at yourself and say, I'm worth the next thing I will do for myself.

That may be just picking up an item lying in the wrong place, or wiping down the counter of the bathroom, even if you are wheelchair bound, if your arms and hands can do it, it is something.

Positive thoughts, one at a time, count them up and pretty soon you have a stack of them to smile at. When your husband gets home then he will notice, whether he says anything or not, you have accomplished a purposeful thing FOR YOURSELF.

If you like music and your husband likes music, you must have some common interests, play some songs, and whatever else you used to do?

Writing is therapy, try your hand a short stories that have some joyful laughter in them, and for example read some of the stories posted on one of the contributors from Texas, they are delightful. You CAN DO what you put your mind to.
(Go Here: Texas Jane!)

I'm sorry you lost your son, that is very tragic, we can not relate to your care providing and then loss, I can only surmise how terrible that must have been and still is, but for you, and for him, do this thing, simple thing. Try to blend his loss into something meaningful, that he would have liked.

I hope just for a minute you can find something in this to grab unto and go for it. These are just encouragement ideas but, you have the reigns. Please?


My Thoughts
by: Wendy, Retirement Enthusiast/Coach

You sound depressed. I also wonder how disabled you are. Have you seen a doctor for your anxiety/ depression?

WHY? Because you are blaming life on your working husband... he still works. If he was truly lazy, he'd quit work and you'd both be on the streets, right?

If it's really all about groceries, shop online like I do (COVID) -- and then have him pick the groceries up, and all is done. You can choose what you want to eat, not what he brings home. You can cook something nice for both of you -- surprise him!

What do you do all day? Find an interest -- even if it's simply baking brownies from a box mix.

Do something to help yourself feel better. You have a world of opportunity at your fingertips (your phone, your computer). You can't just sit there every day, you are only 59, and could have many years to live -- if you choose to.

Grab a pencil and paper, and begin to write everything you've got, what you are grateful for, gratitude for life is really a BIG help for anyone feeling low. I think it could help you when you realize all you DO have!

p.s. You could be alone, but you are not. Find gratitude in the small things in life, in the things your husband does do for you. I'm sure you will feel better.

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