Uncertainty and Change
by Jeanne Savelle
(Atlanta, GA, USA)
Over the last month I have struggled.
I don’t have COVID. I am healthy. No one I know is sick. My finances are okay.
But I am struggling. I thought I had direction but found myself resisting it.
I took a trip to the Panhandle of Florida for a week. Saw some friends, missed others. Walked the shore. Ate fresh fish.
Still I felt empty somehow. There was a low level of dissatisfaction rumbling through my body.
I took another trip to the Outer Banks, a bit further this time.
The low-level dissatisfaction remained.
Trying to identify where it was coming from, I thought maybe it was a cumulative result of how life, in general, has changed since March.
This is unquestionably part of it.
I cannot hug my family or friends. Everyone is physically distanced except my husband
I didn’t realize how much not being able to share a simple hug with a friend has impacted my mental state.
I am always on guard. It makes me reticent in ways I didn’t expect. I feel more distant from everyone and everything.
This dissatisfaction has made its way into all my decisions, including the direction I thought I had chosen.
Part of that direction included writing and publishing on a consistent basis. At least that is what I thought.
But I have avoided writing anything for the last month (except absolute requirements.)
Writing about retirement seemed unfulfilling somehow.
Given the state of the world, who wants to read about my thoughts on retirement.
Given the state of the world, who wants to read about my struggles.
But today I wanted to write. I wanted to put down on paper what my struggles are.
Maybe no one will read it and that is fine. I needed to get it out of my head.
I didn’t need to publish it, but I did because I needed to put it out in the world.
It helps me feel less alone.
I was thinking about writing, about Facebook, about the demands of always being “on.”
But I have decided that it isn’t necessary. I don’t want to be “on” all the time. It creates pressure I want to avoid.
My struggles with the new reality are helping me decide what is right for me.
I want to shed practices I thought I “should” do but don’t want to.
I want to concentrate on practices that enrich my inner life. That helps me live more truthfully. That helps me connect authentically.
I want to embrace uncertainty and change in a way that opens my life, not restricts, or shuts it down.
I think I was letting my discomfort with uncertainty and change hold me back from exploring expression and outreach. I want to explore, not publish.
I don’t want another job.
So, I give myself permission to stop resisting, to relieve struggling, and to do only what brings me joy.
Like writing this today. From my heart.
I invite you to reach out. We can struggle and adapt together.